Twitter: 12seconds - THE question http://tiny12.tv/MBE9J 18 hrs ago

Dudder’s Disney Birthday

Posted on May 11, 2007 
Filed Under Daily, Failures

I think I mentioned this in passing on my last post, but in case you don’t remember, it was my dad’s birthday last Sunday.  I know I said I only got my dad a parrot-shaped lighter that makes bird sounds and lights up, but seeing that my friends, after reading my post, talked to and looked down at me with nothing but utmost disdain, I decided that my dad deserved something better than a contraption he could use to light dried cancer leaves.So aside from the parrot lighter, I also treated dudders to an okay dinner at Burgoo and a movie date with mummers, my brother Ryan and my nieces Daphne and Nicole. Now, This might sound good in writing but if you have a father who’d rather eat cigarettes than eat anything with cholesterol in it, a mom who fakes an epileptic seizure whenever she sees a tab to be more than 500 pesos, a brother who has a predilection for stealing silverware and arson, and nieces who fight each other every 10 minutes; things could turn horrible very quickly.

Anyway, aside from the lighter, dinner and the movie, I decided to give my dad a…

Wait for it…

wait…

a little longer…

A BIRTHDAY CARD.

[I'll give you a few moments here to let that sink in]

Now I hate giving people birthday cards on their birthdays because first, they’re incredibly chintzy, and second, like STD’s, it’s so hard to find the right one. But since I wanted to look all sensitive and make my dad believe that I actually love him even though I know I’m adopted, I went ahead and gave him one.

The thing is no thanks to the mighty triumvirate of being hungover, laziness and procrastination, I got around to getting him his card only  an hour before we were all supposed to meet for dinner. Pressed for time, I picked up the only birthday card left in the convenience store close to where we’re supposed to have dinner.

Sadly, the aforementioned card was a Disney Princess Birthday Card where cartoon illustrations of Disney princesses like Snow White, Jasmine, Ariel and Belle from Beauty and the Beast were printed in front of the card.

On the inside, it says “Picture a birthday that’s bright and enchanted, Imagine your happiest wish being granted.Prepare for a day filled with magic and laughter, Followed by wishes-come-true ever after. ”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice card. But it’s something one would give to a daughter or a younger sister and not to a man celebrating his 59th birthday.

To make things much worse, I decided to personalize the card a little, so using the only ballpen I could find in the glove compartment of my car (one with red ink), I wrote “Papa” under the image of Jasmine and “Michael” under Ariel’s.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I feel REALLY sorry for my dad. All he ever wanted was a normal, moderately-successful son, and instead of that, he got a sexually/emotionally impotent son who gives him a Disney Card on his 59th birthday, a card that insinuates that he’s an Arab Princess and him, a Mermaid.

So yes, I have demonstrated again how much I suck at life. And for this very reason, I am hoping against hope that I die early enough for me not to have any grown children lest a conversation like this happens:

My Future Son: “Papa, your birthday’s coming up, what do you want me to get you?”

Future Me: “Hmmm, How about a shotgun? Our nextdoor neighbors are keeping me up all night with their stupid Videoke sessions, and I was thinking I could blast them all with a shotgun.”

My Future Son: “I really don’t think it’s right to shoot people papa.”

Future Me: “Yeah? Well I really didn’t think it was right to ejaculate inside your mother when she told me she was fertile. But whatever.  how’s that bitch by the way? Is she dead yet or is she still going out with that Colombian drug lord?”

God, I hate my life. Can somebody just shoot me in the face right now? I’ll pay.


Comments

Leave a Reply