For those of you who care to know, yours truly is a TESDA-accredited professional as far as sending drunken text messages/emails and making drunken phone calls to my long list of ex girlfriends and women who, in my opinion, wronged me one way or another is concerned.

And since, admittedly, I have a drinking problem and have been dumped A LOT, you could imagine how much I end up doing this.

I am assuming this happens a lot because by an large, I cannot offer a woman sexual pleasure, good manners, financial stability nor can I promise her morality with respect to sexual relations or even love. What I CAN offer though is unyielding, dogged persistence. The problem is said persistence usually manifests itself after the relationship ends and when I am terribly inebriated. Usually around 4AM and about to pass out.

Anyway, some of my handiwork include:

“Hey [insert ex girlfriend's name here], I just want you to know that I got reminded of you. You know why? Because I took a dump, flushed the toilet and the disgusting flotilla of shit that remained reminds me of you. You know why? Because both you and the flotilla are disgusting. And you’re both whores.” - Via Email.

“You might want to have yourself checked for STD’s. Because I cheated on you. A lot. Before you cheated on me. - Via SMS

“…Whore!..Oh, by the way this is not Mike.” - Via Phone Call.

“One question, are the cocks of Scotsmen really over 8 inches long? By the way, you’re a whore and I wish you get hit by a car and you get shit on by birds then a 747 crashes into your corpse. Also, the plane explodes. Also, whore!” - Via Email.

“You know what, I just remembered you. Why? Because I puked in my mouth. And if this puke had a reputation, it would be the reputation of a whore! An anorexic whore who’s obsessed with its weight. I wish you have abnormal children. You know, like ones who have big right ears and like really small left ears. What a whore.” - Via Email.

Where am I going with this? I guess I just miss having a girlfriend. I want a relationship that will spiral down into a pit of deceit, prurience, murder and a heart-wrenching break-up so I can proceed to send text messages/emails of spite and semi-anonymous phone calls laced with feelings of deep and bitter anger and ill-will after I down several bottles of Red Horse.

So I don’t know; if there are any women out there with questionably low self-esteem and morals, contact me as soon as possible. Remember, the sooner we start dating, the sooner you’ll receive messages like this in your inbox:

“Hello, it’s Mike, an erstwhile Internet Celebrity and your former lover. I just want to say that ending our relationship was definitely the best thing to do. Now, pleasantries aside, I want you to know that I put a curse on you and your unborn children which will render two of them severely retarded and one of them gay. Also I hope you die of some sort of painful cancer and go straight to hell so Satan can torture you for all eternity. That is if you can stop sucking cock for one minute; you know, because you’re a whore. Thanks.”

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