My friend Jay and the greatest conversation opener in history
Surprisingly enough, the start of my week was relatively subdued. I, however would be derelict as a rising internet celebrity if I didn’t throw in this little gem for you.
This morning, I met up with my buddy Jay who got so fucked up the night before that he couldn’t make his way home to Fairview and apparently ended up sleeping in some girl he met in a bar the night before’s apartment. So yeah, we met up for breakfast over at McDonald’s Katipunan before I headed to work.
If you know anything about the Mickey D’s in Katipunan, you’d know that it gets pretty packed every morning on weekdays and when seated, each customer is only a couple or so feet away from the next table. Now most people, well, at least people who are socially and conventionally correct, might exercise restraint with regards to what they say as in such close distance, eavesdropping cannot really be helped. Well guess what, my friend Jay knows nothing about restraint.
A few minutes into our McMuffins and Hashbrowns, Jay delivered the single greatest conversation starter in human history–much to my chagrin and everyone else in our vicinity’s intense, muted aversion: “Did I tell you I got pretty hammered last night? I don’t think I even got to have sex with this chick I spent the night with and guess what? She didn’t want to do it in the morning so guess what I did? I peed on her sink and left.”
Um yes Jay. You already told me. But guess who you haven’t told yet? The rest of the people who were eating within earshot–A group of college girls who seemed to be studying for an exam and a group of business-y people who looked like they were in the middle of a meeting–who shook their heads in disgust and upon hearing your story, spent the rest of their breakfast listening to us talk.
I hate my friends.
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“apparently ended up sleeping in some girl”
I want to do that too.
Also, our grammar Gods in the forum say it’s bad to say “with regards to.” Tsk Tsk. What a probinsiyano!
Actually it’s “ended up sleeping in some girl he met in a bar the night before’s apartment”
Also screw grammar and screw you grammar nazi.
“Correct grammar is for lepers”
-Hall and Oates, 1988
If anything else, Mikey, you’re a true friend.
And what do they say about the same birds? (No, pun NOT intended) They flock together.
Says a lot about what kind of friend you are.
Haha.
Grrr. I dont want to be your friend anymore.
Hey! What are you doing talking about my bird for?!
Also, please don’t stop being my friend! I have like 8 friends left and I can’t afford to lose more.
you and your friends are really classy!
wow jay is getting sexed na nowadays pala! whats the world coming to
You guys are totally missing the point! The point is the Hash Browns over at mickey d’s katipunan taste like shit!
Dude, I think he got his brand of smoothness from you.
Mike,
Thank you for making me realize that there is someone out there who is far more miserable than me.
You are a God of all that is unholy, excessive, and depraved in this world, and wonderfully fucking funny at it as well.
Keep up the bad work for as long as you can, which based on your lifestyle may be until I leave this perpetually hot, crotch rotting jungle land that is the Philippines.
Returning to once again put diaper rash ointment on my all to friggen painful nether regions and wishing I was once again in a place far drier than this freaking sauna of a land.