Future Pets: The iCat
Posted on June 21, 2007
Filed Under The Man Blog
Congratulations! You and your iCat™ are Made For Each Other
I would like to be the first to congratulate you on becoming the new proud owner of an Apple iCat™ unit! With proper care, your iPet can provide you decades upon decades of amusement and companionship–all with less financial drain and emotional investment than its predecessors: The Apple iWife™, iGirlfriend™ and iHarlot™.
We here at Apple endeavor to achieve perfection–a perfection made possible only through years of creating overly minimalistic products, positioning them in such a way that they come off affectedly trendy and attaching a hefty price tag to them thus effectively alienating the typical consumer–and we are untiring when it comes to making our products better. If you purchased an earlier model of the iCat™, you might notice slight changes in your new unit. Changes which, we are confident, make this model 420% more efficient and user-friendly than the previous incarnation. Please take time to read the release notes below and in the off chance that you experience technical problems with your iCat, feel free to call our Customer Service Hotline (Provided of course that your unit is still under warranty or you’ve purchased one of our expensive-ass AppleCare™ Protection Plans. Otherwise, we’re not talking to you.)Best Regards,Steve Jobs
iCat 2.10.4 Release Notes
- Thanks to a recent firmware update to our iGoldfishes™ that allow them to perform tricks in exchange for morsels of bread, iCats™ are now easily the gayest, most boring iPet™ line in our store. Sorry cat lovers.
- Removed previous model’s eight extra lives. Your new iCat™ won’t need them as your iCat™ will now be impervious to death. Enjoy your overpopulated planet silly human.
- Defective Persian models no longer mistake children’s faces as bacon.
- New models no longer claw out their eyes when captured by Nazis. Instead, they swallow a potassium tablet that puts them in a state of suspended animation.
- Your new iCat™ no longer has a predilection for awful spelling nor does it have the fantasy of being an underpaid Mexican IT technician. See, picture of previous model below.
- Quad-Core Adaptive Learning Chip™: No longer do you have to wave the bloodied corpse of your baby in front of your iCat™ saying: “Babies are not clawing posts nor are they nutrishoos, you stuid orange feline faggot!”
- Tabbed browsing on selected models.
- Replaced “Curiosity” (which kills them. You know, ‘Curiosity killed the iCat™ LOL’) with “Polio.”
- Fixed glitch which causes some models to walk faster than the speed of sound thus creating a sonic boom which startles most iPet™ owners.
- Fixed bug in which iPets™ put into a CATatonic™ state have illusions of interacting with ‘invisible’ things:
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The Star
Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar! -
Ugh, I hate pets. What more, if they’re furry. O_o
Mike, you’re really the only person i know who hates cats that much
Hey that’s not true! I love pussy! No, wait!
Also, I interspersed this article with satirical bits that takes potshots at Apple and nobody noticed. You all suck.
Mike you forgot to proofread didn’t you?
Yes I did. I just finished fixing the formatting too you asshole.
This one really sucked Mike. I think that you must have been one handing the computer and your brain was too far engaged envisioning slut woman/man at the end of your bird.
Better luck next time- hope your fantasy slut was as disapointed as we were with this cat bullshit.
Later
I have the worst reader base in the entire blogosphere. Assholes.