Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

Congratulations! You and your iCat™ are Made For Each Other

I would like to be the first to congratulate you on becoming the new proud owner of an Apple iCat™ unit! With proper care, your iPet can provide you decades upon decades of amusement and companionship–all with less financial drain and emotional investment than its predecessors: The Apple iWife™, iGirlfriend™ and iHarlot™.

We here at Apple endeavor to achieve perfection–a perfection made possible only through years of creating overly minimalistic products, positioning them in such a way that they come off affectedly trendy and attaching a hefty price tag to them thus effectively alienating the typical consumer–and we are untiring when it comes to making our products better. If you purchased an earlier model of the iCat™, you might notice slight changes in your new unit. Changes which, we are confident, make this model 420% more efficient and user-friendly than the previous incarnation. Please take time to read the release notes below and in the off chance that you experience technical problems with your iCat, feel free to call our Customer Service Hotline (Provided of course that your unit is still under warranty or you’ve purchased one of our expensive-ass AppleCare™ Protection Plans. Otherwise, we’re not talking to you.)Best Regards,Steve Jobs

iCat 2.10.4 Release Notes

• Thanks to a recent firmware update to our iGoldfishes™ that allow them to perform tricks in exchange for morsels of bread, iCats™ are now easily the gayest, most boring iPet™ line in our store. Sorry cat lovers.
• Removed previous model’s eight extra lives. Your new iCat™ won’t need them as your iCat™ will now be impervious to death. Enjoy your overpopulated planet silly human.
• Defective Persian models no longer mistake children’s faces as bacon.
• New models no longer claw out their eyes when captured by Nazis. Instead, they swallow a potassium tablet that puts them in a state of suspended animation.
• Your new iCat™ no longer has a predilection for awful spelling nor does it have the fantasy of being an underpaid Mexican IT technician. See, picture of previous model below.
• Quad-Core Adaptive Learning Chip™: No longer do you have to wave the bloodied corpse of your baby in front of your iCat™ saying: “Babies are not clawing posts nor are they nutrishoos, you stuid orange feline faggot!”
• Tabbed browsing on selected models.
• Replaced “Curiosity” (which kills them. You know, ‘Curiosity killed the iCat™ LOL’) with “Polio.”
• Fixed glitch which causes some models to walk faster than the speed of sound thus creating a sonic boom which startles most iPet™ owners.
• Fixed bug in which iPets™ put into a CATatonic™ state have illusions of interacting with ‘invisible’ things:

With these improvements and bug fixes, we’re positive that you’ll fine your new iCat™ to be even more amusing and fun than the last one you purchased. If not, feel free to take it up to me because really, I won’t mind taking some time off from helping thirsty orphans in Africa to listen to you whine about how your iCat™ “sucks” you selfish asshole. Originally published for The Man Blog.

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