I need a hobby

I have assloads of thoughts going through my head right now. And by “thoughts”, I don’t mean my usual “I’m going to call a bunch of my friends so we can get high sniffing white board marker later tonight and kill a prostitute along Quezon Ave” thoughts but thoughts like “Hey fattie, you really need to straighten up your shit and start taking your life more seriously. Take a look at yourself, you’re 25 and you spend all your time working, getting messed up and making jokes inundated with racism and inappropriate, sexual content and posting them on the internet. What the hell kind of sad life is that?”

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always thought of the life I live at the moment to be pretty fucking awesome but since I popped these yellow pills I bought behind the town church this morning, I am seriously entertaining and considering these thoughts.

Now why am I even telling you this? Well, so I can go on record as to say that I am about to make one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made in my life–I am about to purchase a new gym membership. I know this doesn’t make any financial sense since I already have a gym membership somewhere else but because I am a very depressed, lonely man ensconced in a chair in front of a computer everyday, I thought it to be a good idea to do so while browsing the gym’s website and seeing tons of pictures of sweaty, physically fit people seemingly having lots of fun working out.

I have no idea what I hope to accomplish with this move, besides making myself even more miserable and insecure. Actually, that AND it’ll cost me 3,000 pesos a month; which will go to my high-interest credit card’s monthly bill.

Besides, does anyone actually think that this entire gym thing is going to stick? I mean, give me a week of struggling with a weird-ass gym contraption, getting up to circle around the machine to try and figure out what it is exactly the machine does, sit down and try the thing again before finally walking away from the goddam thing towards the juice bar shaking in utter shame and disgust and I’d probably abandon the entire idea and return to my life of depravity and Satan-loving. (okay not Satan-loving)

But really, what’s the point in me telling you all this? Well I need somebody to suggest something to keep me from doing this entire gym thing. I think a hobby that I’d really enjoy would do the trick but the problem is that to date, I haven’t found any hobby worth my time of day.

Let’s see, back when I was a kid, my dad and I used to shoot birds with his pellet rifle and I’ve always found that fun. But after one year of med school, the entire idea of blood and killing animals seemed to have lost its novelty. I mean, how much fun can shooting little defenseless animals be anyway? Can’t I just drive around the city, shoot some homeless guy to death, laugh and spit at his corpse and drive away? I’m sure some of my readers are lawyers or something. Can you guys look into the legality of this?

I can always get into sports or something. After all, I’m not that bad an athlete but the problem is years of smoking one pack of cigarettes a day has taken a serious toll on my stamina and I just can’t stand playing basketball with a bunch of super-competitive assholes who’ll yell something about “getting back on defense” whenever I run to the baseline every five minutes to grab a soda and a sandwich. That just doesn’t work for me.

So yes, dear readers. I need suggestions. And FAST. If not, I am going to sink myself deeper into credit card debt and sooner than everyone thinks, I’m going down the quick path to a life of crime. And trust me, nobody wants that. Nobody.

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