zOMG! You’re in the future!

This entry originally appears at The Man Blog.

As a 25 Year-old urban professional, one of the biggest risk I take everyday when I go to work is the possibility of instantly being teleported into the future. In-depth scientific studies that involve really complex tools like the abacus and those complicated-looking machines that do nothing but display scrolling bleeps and make weird-ass robotic noises has shown that the average human being courses through the time-space continuum at an amazing speed of one second per second!

Now, this is perfectly normal but what if you accidentally walk into a broom closet which emits a series of high power flashes and when you step out, POW! You’re in the future!? I’m not talking about a couple of hours into the future either, but like a few fucking decades! Or even Centuries! zOMG!

Imagine what that would be like. One second you’re minding your own business walking into broom closets and shit and the next you find yourself in a strange dark world where McDonalds doesn’t exist and even if it does it’s probably called “CyberMickeyD’s Sustenance Emporium Adventure Fun Episode” And its logo is a hologram of an android clown that shoots missiles out its nose and shit! zOMG!

With that said, today’s article aims to help you, the unsuspecting time traveler to familiarize yourself and eventually adapt to the hazards of being teleported into the future against your will.

Fashion

One of the defining traits of the future is its atrocious fashion trends that no present-day human would willingly embrace. If you look around and all you see are people wearing horrible cloaks with chrome linings or skintight body suits usually in black chances are you’re in the future or at least some weird ass Star Trek convention.

Other futuristic fashion styles include simian masks, biker chains, Jedi robes and a host of other things that make it really uncomfortable for anyone wearing them to move. But then again, in the future, nobody even bothers to move because usually, they’re too busy admiring wonderful futuristic things like futuristic computers, flying cars or futuristic television sets that instead of showing shows, displays nothing but a holographic image of Anne Archer talking in a weird synthesized voice.

Computers

Much like present day, computers are everywhere in the future and are practically the same with the computers we have today except for the fact that they are totally different.

Computers in the future are virtually unusable as they are only there to serve as a constant reminder that you are in the future! I mean after all, what sort of future doesn’t have assloads of computers in the backdrop?

If using a computer cannot be avoided then you best be prepared for a world of frustration. Want to know what date it is using a computer? Then feel free to wade through a gazillion different menu items, each of which has sub-menus that are roughly as deep as the genealogy of every family name in Mexico.

To make things even worse, random robotic sounds emanate from all the computers in the future as well as random epilepsy-inducing flashing lights. Computers in the future usually have only three buttons, one does absolutely nothing and two constantly flash red for no reason at all.

Transportation

Cars in the future are really small. AND THEY FLY. But then again, you probably knew that. What you don’t know is that cars in the future are armed with sidewinder missiles because the future is inhabited by giant flying hounds and if not dealt with harshly, may cause people riding cars to be late for work. And future bosses hate tardiness.

Also, cars from the future are driven by robotic drivers who are throwbacks to chipper gas station attendants from the 50’s.

Government

Most futures are ruled by a giant monopoly with an evil old Caucasian guy at the helm. Aforementioned old Caucasian guy is either dead, part robot or has his entire brain downloaded into a computer which has like robotic legs to move around. Nobody’s sure how this guy is able to create a hegemonic empire considering he never gets around, but that’s why it’s the future! Everything’s like possible in the future!

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