A stupid High School Reunion, lust, depression
Posted on July 17, 2007
Filed Under Daily, Failures
When I attended my High School batch’s 10th year reunion yesterday, I was under the impression that after I get through the entire thing, I’d be able to write a post that would be a funny piece on how to course through the discomfort and awkwardness inherent to occasions involving people you haven’t seen or spoken to for almost a decade. This is especially important to people like me who was known as the guy caught masturbating in the copy room and trying to set the school canteen on fire because the cross-eyed lady who served lunch shortchanged him by 25 pesos, but I digress.
But after attending the reunion, my entire angle changed from writing something like the aforementioned guide to such guides entitled “Mike Villar’s High School Reunion For Dummies: How to squander two years of your life in a call center, gain weight and make sure that when your high school reunion comes around, you’d pretty much be the most pathetic, least successful person in attendance.” Or “Mike Villar’s High School Reunion guide for women: How to lose 50 pounds, get the best deals on plastic surgery and look totally gorgeous so that all the minimum-wager, fat drunkard guys who wouldn’t even give you a pity dance in prom night feel suicidally depressed.”
I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have a few things I’ve achieved and could be proud of 10 years after I graduated high school. After all, I’m a Rising Internet Star and I have a popular website which, I’d like to think, is a big deal on the internet; I have a job that pays(slightly) more than the median salary of people my age in the country; I have an Ipod, a Macbook, a Cellphone, a Honda Civic and an authentic aboriginal walking stick (or something) my dad bought in Australia for me (Yes I brought all of this to the reunion to make myself look like I’m more successful than I really am.)
Anyway, prior to the actual reunion, me and my friend Richard were talking about how we’d finally be able to see how people in our batch look like. He also said something about some of them being “Fat, unemployed single moms” and how he’d “Still do them” since “beggars can’t be choosers.” (Okay, so I said the last two bits. What the fuck are you? A Narc?)
Guess what? We were wrong. Big Time. Most of the women from my batch looked hell of a lot better than they used to in high school and we were so much in awe that statements like “Holy Fuck Balls! That’s Helen? Last time we saw her we were laughing at her because she wore neon socks to the graduation ball! Also, what happened to her boyfriend? You know, the one who looked like he had downs?” weren’t uncommon.
I mean fuck, the way the women looked totally blew me out of the water. Me, on the other hand, showed up wearing a ratty, seven year old button down, lugging along a backpack containing all my electronic gadgets I was hoping to impress everyone with. This pretty much goes the same for all the guys in the reunion. Most of my high school acquaintances all looked like they were going through a bitter divorce and subsisted on ice cream and watching television all day wearing adult diapers. Hell, some of them do not even look healthy enough for any form of sexual activity. (Okay, by “Some of them” I actually meant “me.”)
Another thing that surprised me were the girls whom a lot of us guys considered to be “hot” and “masturbatory fodder” back in high school. I mean most of them still looked okay I guess, it’s just that they looked–tired. Probably from all the fucking they get from guys who wear muscle shirts, applied hair product a little too liberally back in college and grab their asses in public / or funerals. I don’t know.
Seriously, there’s really nothing more depressing than stuffing your face with sushi from the buffet table, going to the comfort room and saying “Fucking shit” In front of the mirror as you realize that the girl who sat next to you in english class with her hair wet and had scoliosis is now a major sex kitten and the girl you used to beat off to now looks like a washed up porn star.
Now that the entire thing is over, I guess the only real question is what happens in our 15th year reunion. I mean right now, it’s okay to say that “Sure, I might not be as successful as I want to be, but then again, not a lot of people from my batch spend their weekends peeing on the carpet of a motel you checked into with a cheap prostitute. So that makes my life more interesting than theirs.” since I am only 25. But come our 15th year reunion, I’d be fucking 30 and that’s really fucking old and I have no idea what I’d be when I turn 30. Would I be the assistant manager at a local KFC? Would I be divorced by then? Would I have like a really slow kid named Pogo? Dammit. I go smoke now.
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Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar! -
but youve lost a lot of weight~!
I have an Ipod, a Macbook, a Cellphone, a Honda Civic and an authentic aboriginal walking stick (or something) my dad bought in Australia for me (Yes I brought all of this to the reunion to make myself look like I’m more successful than I really am.)
LOL! this is really sad and funny at the same time
i didn’t know there was a reunion.
“Sure, I might not be as successful as I want to be, but then again, not a lot of people from my batch spend their weekends peeing on the carpet of a motel you checked into with a cheap prostitute. So that makes my life more interesting than theirs.”
Mas sad to! lol
Wait. My high school’s 10th reunion is coming up too. I don’t know if I ever want to show my face.
Your post comforts me so. I was the biggest loser in HS and come our tenth year reunion, I’ll probably be the hottest, most successful girl there and anyone who ever picked on me is going to wish they had my life. Hah!
Mia, well then I’m not SUPER FAT anymore. Just Fat. Fattie McFat.
Ade, of course you should show your face! I’m sure your batchmates would love to see SATAN!
Lauren, like my now hot batchmates, you’re one of the primary reasons why I am depressed. Boo you.
“I’d be fucking 30 and that’s really fucking old…”
Gee. Thanks bud. Ass.
Seriously though, I’d say you’re doing fine.
Hahaha. Am having a reunion later. This should be some help.
Btw, your blogroll should read “Abe Olandres” not Olandares