Mike Villar: Drug smuggler (sorta)
Posted on July 22, 2007
Filed Under Failures
I have a confession to make: It’s no secret that I have been living a life of reckless abandon recently right? Well, this abandon that I speak of encompasses everything from my worsening alcoholism to my drug addiction. Now let it go on record that when I say ‘drug addiction’ I do so only to make you (especially women) to like me more. I mean, women like bad boy types don’t they? So I use such a term so loosely as to make women think something along the lines of “OMG! He’s a badass internet star! He’s into drugs! And he has the genitalia of an eight year old! I want him!”
But the truth of the matter is, I have been pretty much clean of narcotics for quite some time now. Especially if my bosses are reading this (I heard you don’t get severance pay for getting fired for substance abuse).
Now recently, my friend, whom we’ll hide under the name of Dave Simballa of 269 Hillcrest Village Caloocan City, tasked me to pick up a sizable amount of marijuana. Now this idea didn’t sit in very wel with me. First of all, I have never bought pot; I mean sure, I’ve smoked many a joint in my lifetime but I don’t handle them, and even if I’m addicted to them, I never maintain a stash in my room or anywhere for that matter. It’s just that I feel that with the kind of shitty luck I have, a friend like Dave would come up to me and say “Dude, I just came from Baguio and I have like a bag of pot on me– Can you keep them for me until Monday?” And being the jackass with low self esteem and an even lower number of friends that I am, I’d say yes and then over the weekend, a neighbor who just moved in would come over to my place to borrow a hammer with a drug-sniffing Labrador and would find an assload of marijuana stashed under my bed linking me to a major drug cartel based off Santander, Colombia. And then six months after being convicted, I’d be in the city jail giving blowjobs in exchange for malunggay while my asshole friend who gave me the pot stayed free banging some hot European chick who’d let her tape sex videos which, in turn he’d sell off the internet for major money. So yeah, I guess what I’m saying is I don’t really roll with pot that way.
But you know, sometimes, you have to do what you have to do for your friends (especially if that friend constantly threatens to stop being friends with you if you don’t do his bidding. And we all know I have a total of eight friends and can’t afford to lose more). Now, I didn’t want to like line my pockets with contraband, so what I did was put the bag of pot in my laptop bag and situated my Macbook on top of it to avoid arousing any suspicion. I kinda thought that this would make me look less suspicious- I’m just a laptop-toting internet nerd, headed for work. Nothing illegal going on here. Nope.
So I got ready for work, and in a matter of minutes, was on Katipunan Avenue en route to work. No incidents. When I reached the stretch of road in front of the University of the Philippines International school however, the wheels came off.
A police checkpoint was in place and as soon as I saw it, I froze with fear. I don’t exactly know how to describe the feeling but it was more or less a smörgåsbord of feelings, but in summary, I place the feeling somewhere between seeing a thug punch your mother in the face and witnessing Snoop Dogg fondle your girlfriend’s breast.
Well I suppose I could’ve made a U-turn and took another route, but because I was paralyzed with fear, I didn’t think about it at that moment. What I did instead was inch my way towards the checkpoint trying to act as normal as possible. I know for a fact that cops conduct vehicle searches randomly and I was hoping that my fat self who exudes a diffusing warmth and friendliness would not arouse suspicion; but the fact that I looked like somebody going through a horrible divorce trying to pass a horrendous faux hawk as hair doesn’t do me any good.
I turned my car stereo up a notch and casually maneuvered my car through the check point. I looked straight ahead and never once looked back. Once I was through the check point, I felt like I was going to cry. I stopped by the Shell Station cutting through Ateneans and yuppy types whom I usually despise at the Select Store and wanted to suck all of their dicks. I wanted to French kiss the closest Visayan tricycle driver and say “Dude, I don’t care that you clog up the rightmost lane of Katipunan Avenue shouting invectives at me in a retarded non-Filipino, non-English language as I drive past you in my Honda Civic, right now I love you and I would willingly put your bird in my mouth.” It was a really beautiful, happy moment.
Despite this quasi-brush with the law, my weekend was quite awesome. I hung out with the girlfriend, unwound in some friend’s house smoking some of the awesome Baguio marijuana I decided to keep for myself and ate three slices of Shakey’s Pizza and a little of what I believed was the calf of the street kid I adopted last week.
I am proud of myself for conducting myself with utmost grace under duress because otherwise, right now, I’d be sharing a cell with 20 other convicts eating malunggay in exchange for my dignity. And maybe 5 Pesos. I don’t know.
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11 Responses to “Mike Villar: Drug smuggler (sorta)”
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The Star
Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar! -
Um, okaaaaay.
Nice to know Mike, nice to know.
“Right now I love you and I would willingly put your bird in my mouth.”
Wahahahaha! You are teh funny.
Oist, pass the joint this way!
lol you are an idiot
I would listen to you guys but then again: YOU DON’T HAVE STREET CRED THE WAY I DO. BITCHIZ!
Its just marijauna!
“Right now I love you and I would willingly put your bird in my mouth.”
“suck all of their dicks.”
You’re gay for saying that. very gay.
but to be honest you are gay and informative .
hahhaha!LMAO
now gimme some cannabis =p
I call shenanigans. You have a broken car stereo, duh!
I have THREE cars. Duh!
Right now, I’m sending a screenshot of this blog and Mike’s home address to the Anti-Narcotics division of PNP. I wonder how much they’ll pay me?
Oh shit, wrong window. Sry.
Hello, PDEA, duh!
Hello, DEA, duh Ade!