Celebrities and me

Posted on September 14, 2007
Filed Under Daily, Failures

In an attempt to assert the “fame” I supposedly have, I’ve decided to periodically post detailed accounts of the celebrities (Real celebrities. Not the ones who think having a moderately funny and popular website makes them one. Like this guy.) I run into and mingle with.

Aside from asserting my fame, it would also make me look more attractive and fuckable in the eyes of my beloved lady readers. I mean come on, face it, I’m sure I manage to evoke a chuckle or two from you guys with my posts as you read them through your overwhelmingly boring office wonts; but would you, undrugged, sober and without me pointing a small firearm at your head while smiling and pointing to my crotch, to you you then back to my crotch again, have sex with me? Exactly.

Anyway, these past few weeks, I’ve seen the following celebrities:

Pilita Corrales, hanging out at the bar she runs over at the Green Hills theater mall. Okay, after obnoxiously subjecting a lot of people to torturous chagrin with my little known series of posts called The Atrocities of Friendster, I’m trying my best not to be mean to anyone. But holy fuck, Pilita Corrales ranks high in the list of people I am least likely to fuck. And that is saying a lot considering I’d pretty much stick my penis in anything that moves but surprisingly, when I saw her, the first thought that crossed my mind was “I am NEVER going to fuck this woman even if my life depended on it.”

Then I thought “Who am I kidding here? I stuck my penis inside a hole I cut through a piece of microwaved tenderloin steak last night; of course I’d fuck her.”

Anne Curtis, eating at Bizu over at the Promenade. I remember her laughing heartily while eating and having a conversation with someone whom I could only assume to be either a magazine writer or just downright fruitcup in the ass gay. I mean seriously, the guy was typing shit in his laptop while talking to Anne Curtis; a straight guy would do nothing less but to masturbate discreetly given the chance to dine and speak to someone like Anne Curtis.

Anne looked super fucking hot. I’ve always had this little crush on her ever since I saw her on that teenybopper show Growing up with her then on screen love teammate, Chubi delRosario(Who is a fag). She has this reputation of being a party girl so I bet she’d be at least a 9 in the sack and with those Jolie-esque lips of hers, I guess it’s safe to assume that she can give blowjobs better than a Cirque du So-Gei performer giving somebody a weird-ass contortionist beejer.

So yeah, I was eating with my family at Bizu and being that I am a celebrity myself, I said hi to her on my way to the comfort room. I was summarily ignored.

And yes, I am going to masturbate and blow my load all over my computer in about two minutes. Fuck you.

Jake Fucking Cuenca, over at ABS-CBN ELJ building. What am I doing over at ABS-CBN? It’s a secret. No it’s not. I was going to get some work done over at Star Bucks in hopes of awing girls with my Macbook, my awesome sweater and my boyish good looks. Okay not the last one.

Anyway, you know when people say “I’m not gay but I’d totally put Brad Pitt’s bird in my mouth?” I could modify it into something like “Just the thought of fucking Jake Cuenca makes me want to puke. Holy shit, should I ask if I could kiss him in the mouth?”

Again, being the celebrity that I am, I said hi. And again, I was ignored. But not without Jake first giving me this weird look. The look kind of says “Hey porky, I’m Jake Cuenca and I know that you want to be me. I don’t blame you too kid, I mean, I don’t have to pay for the pussy I get. In fact, you know what I’ll be doing when you get home later to watch Deal or No Deal in your underwear? Why, I’d be fucking three foxy women in a 20 million peso Condominium unit. I just thought I’d let you know.”

(By the way, I might be mistaken here. If it wasn’t Jake Cuenca I saw but some hot metrosexual guy who kinda just looks like him; please, don’t tell my parents. They’d probably understand if I turn gay for someone famous. Otherwise, they’d–I don’t know, stop loving me or something. Thanks.)

Comments

12 Responses to “Celebrities and me”

Pau on September 14th, 2007 4:31 am

Your family can understand you turning gay for just about anyone. Just wanted to let you know that.
Fritz on September 14th, 2007 4:40 am

Browsing the internet all day musta made me breathe air faster. While reading this article, I passed cutesy-sounding gas about three times. One for each of the celebrities you mentioned. OK, I CR nao. BTW, my CR’s flush is now fully o-fucking-perational, just so you guys know. Kthnx.
jayvee f. on September 14th, 2007 6:16 am

me and anne curtis:

http://abuggedlife.com/2006/09/15/anne-curtis-up-front-and-center/

me and isabel roces:

http://abuggedlife.com/2006/01/11/isabel-roces/

me with ala paredes:

http://abuggedlife.com/2006/03/01/getting-to-know-ala-paredes/

me and sofie garrucho:

http://inquirerbloggers.net/baberepublic/2007/03/16/sofielicious-sofie-garrucho/
cyberpunk on September 14th, 2007 8:05 am

wow…celebrity sightings! is thing blog going to be a celebrity blog now?
Mikey on September 14th, 2007 10:34 am

And Jayvee just won this blog game! WTG!

Also, I interviewd Sofie Garrucho for a little known magazine called “FHM” for this year’s May issue. Hot chick. Doesn’t wear a bra. That’s all I have.

Jayvee still wins. Douchebag.
jayvee f. on September 14th, 2007 10:43 am

you wanna see her again? there’s gonna be an event this coming october with her as a host.

ill text her.
jayvee f. on September 14th, 2007 10:46 am

me and bubbles paraiso:

http://abuggedlife.com/2006/06/28/bubbles-paraiso/
Ade on September 14th, 2007 3:01 pm

Jayvee, please stop doing that before Mike attacks you with a crowbar or something.
Mikey on September 14th, 2007 7:24 pm

That’s swell Jayvee! If you set me up with Sofie, I can set you up with Pilita!

Or Kuya Germs, I see kuya germs hanging out a lot with Pilita.

Anyways, ya sofie. Or Ala. Or Anne. Or Jake 8->
Jemerine on September 16th, 2007 9:42 am

I see kuya germs with pilita alot usually playing cards ang taba na nya!
Celebrities and Me: Maja Salvador : Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star on December 13th, 2007 4:09 pm

[...] couple of months ago I posted the first entry of a series where I intend to post detailed accounts of celebrity run-ins in an attempt to assert [...]
Sofie Garrucho on February 25th, 2008 4:59 am

Hi Mike! Hi Jayvee! Hey Check out Italentstar.com or better yet my italentstar friendster account. Launching will be at alchemy on Wed Feb 27. Let me know if any of you guys wants to check out the party. I could Put you on the guest list. Jayvee, maybe you could text me if by tomorrow.