Fairview suckage. Bisaya.
I’ve lived in the Fairview area for over 20 years now and I’ve always had this love-hate relationship with it. But I’ll tell you something right now: I’m fucking done. FAIRVIEW FUCKING SUCKS.
I spent a good time going over Apartment listings on Buy and Sell Plus this morning because, frankly, I cannot do this anymore. (Of course I’m not moving out, I mean if I move out of my parents’ place, who’d cook my food, launder my clothes and tell me everything’s going to be fine after I accidentally burn down a Sari-Sari Store? Looking made me feel better nonetheless.)
Here are a two reasons why Fairview sucks hairy balls:
1.) Stupid Fucking Bikes – I’m not talking about Ducatis either. I’m talking about those lame-ass, souped up Honda XRM’s with epilepsy lights and sound systems incessantly blaring Ja Rule, 50 cent or some shitty-ass bassy remixed song from the the late 90’s.
Every morning, one or two motorcycle gangs will descend on our street to a.) Eat breakfast at the eatery across my house and b.) Play annoying songs and rev their engines for a good five hours.
I fucking get it okay? You guys are cool and shit. You ride sweet bikes that couldn’t have cost you more than fifty thousand pesos. But guess what? I stopped riding bikes when I was twelve and accepted the fact that I have a penis the size of a wine cork with open arms. But if you guys want to hang out with a bunch of scrawny losers and chicks who look like they work at the shoes section of SM Fairview and rev your engines to prove that you are alpha males, then it’s cool.
I just want to tell you how I think that you guys are insecure about your sexuality and you probably have tiny penises. Also, I hope you all die.
2.) Stupid Fucking Bisayas. As if the stupid motorcycle gangs weren’t enough, I also have to live with the fact that about 90% of the homeowners on our street are fucking Bisayas. Now, I don’t have anything about Bisayas in general, I mean their women are hot; sure, they’re smelly, but they’re hot. And I love the dried, sugar-coated bananas they put in paper cones, but the Bisayas on my street are just annoyingly terrible.
They do nothing but angrily yap at each other and although I don’t understand Bisaya, I’m pretty sure their conversations go something like this:
Bisaya man: “I am hungry, where is that gross fish head stew we cooked and used to stink up the entire street last night? I think I’m going to reheat it and annoy the living piss out of our non-bisaya neighbors.”
Bisaya woman: “How the hell should I know? I’ve been sitting here on our doorstep, picking head lice off our daughter’s head the entire day.”
Bisaya man: “You are useless. But guess what? I still want to make like 400 babies with you so I can ascertain that we have enough Bisayas in the world to annoy the shit out of the next generation. Now, excuse me while I stink up the entire street again with my fish stew.”
Bisaya woman: “[not paying attention, picking head lice off daughter's head, looking at their malnourished dog with a "you're next" look in her eyes]”
So yes, I’m done. I can’t wait to pay thirty thousand pesos a month for a tiny condo unit along EDSA. I’m positive that I’ll have a grand time living there, until the good people over at the Bank of the Philippine Islands (who’d probably team up with the people from HSBC) show up at my doorstep one day with knives and baseball bats to “collect.”
What an awesome life. Now excuse me while I go out and do the only thing I know to alleviate my frustrations: And that is to drink myself to a point where I could no longer recognize basic shapes and colors.
Have a great weekend everyone!
You should have told me. Leah was looking for a tenant for her studio type condo near Katipunan which costs less than half of your 30K. Now she’s renting it to somebody who was a runner up in Star in a Million or something like that.
^WHAT!! I DONT WANT VILLAR IN MY HOOD!
Is this just me or is this so not like Mikey?
I was kidding
30k is like 3 months’ worth of salary. Also, I sure as hell don’t want to be neighbors with Helga. Helga’s bisaya.
The bikes made me read this.
To add on what you said about dillholes revving their motorcycles, and playing idiotic music that only has “yo, yo, yo, yo [...]” for “lyrics”, These assholes also wind like snakes in the way-out of fairview every single minute of the day. When you try to overtake them, they’d look at you like you were some demon. But when they scratch your car, they just wave their hand like they haven’t done anything.
The Music and the Lights suck, by the way.
Tsk.
Where in fairview do you live anyway?
yeah mike where? *cough* WHOIS *cough* records
)
For a minute there I thought you were talking about someone I knew.
I also live in fairview! hihi stalk stalk stalk!
Actually I met a bike dealer. You can get one under installment, with a down payment of only 10k or something like that.
Whatev.
LOL Rico’s shopping for an XRM! Let’s make fun of him!
“Thanks,”