An Open Letter of Apology to the Cast and Crew of Desperate Housewives

Dear cast and crew of Desperate Housewives,

TV shows come and go. Every so often, there comes a point when the life of a television series starts to flicker and grow dim. Worse, there is always a putrid uncertainty that comes with wondering if our favorite TV shows will even return as networks, with an insensitive and cruel disregard, toy with our emotions with executives waiting until the last minute to decide which shows live on and which shows drop from the lineup to their certain deaths.

Your show, Desperate Housewives, was one of the shows I wished death upon after its first season. And can you blame me? The inexplicably retarded storytelling, random betrayals and suicidally poignant interpersonal drama, as well as all the twists, turns, flips, flops and flops that happened midway through the 2nd season made the show really painful to watch. A pain which is, perhaps, worse than losing a loved one. Maybe even two loved ones in a bizarre hotel fire.

But still, I continued to watch. And I did so only because of Teri Hatcher and Eva Fucking Longoria.

There was actually a time when I was so obsessed with Teri and Eva that had either one of them asked me to quit my job, I would’ve said “done”; That had either one of them asked me to renounce my fleshly ways and dedicate my life to reading the bible, I would’ve said “done”; that had either of them asked me to embrace people from all walks of life and cultures and maybe give up sweets, I would’ve said “not until you give me a blowjob.” You get the point.

I was pretty smitten; so when I first heard about what many claimed to be a sweeping, insulting remark about medical schools in the Philippines made by Teri Hatcher’s character in one episode, I remained relatively indifferent to the issue.

Showing a modicum of class when you’re not required to is a tough act; so you guys can only imagine my surprise when your network issued a public apology for your little “racial slur.”

I know it should’ve been water under the bridge now but there seemed to be a call for blood and a major brouhaha even after your public apology was issued.

Now, I believe in the power of forgiveness and in the same manner that you apologized to us, I would like to apologize to you on behalf of my countrymen who do not have the intellectual capacity to understand satirized humor.

Since this is a rather rare opportunity for me, let me start off by apologizing for our country’s bastardization of Christianity by creating sects based on the twin principles of destroying other forms of faith and getting a tenth of their members’ monthly income. Oh how I digress.

I want to apologize for Representative Bienvenido Abante and Senator Rodolfo Biazon for even thinking of banning Desperate Housewives in the Philippines. What they don’t know is that most of us assrape your intellectual property by buying entire seasons of your show on sub $2 pirated DVD’s or downloading the shit out of it from torrent sites. The latter is of course done using Taiwan-made OEM computers running on a pirated version of the latest version of Microsoft Windows.
I apologize for our dangerous soft-heartedness and more importantly, our hypocrisy. I doubt if any of you watch Philippine Television, but we make a lot of sitcoms based on your TV shows where we invariably make fun of racial stereotypes including but not limited to the Indians being smelly, turban-sporting loan sharks; the Japanese being war shocked WWII veterans and the Chinese being chinky-eyed, greedy businessmen who own junk shops and magic barbels.
I apologize for Manny Pacquiao. Nuff Said.
And finally, I apologize for the list of bloggers below. If it’s any consolation, not all of us are retarded and some of us actually get it.

All told, I would like to urge you to go on and do your thing with Desperate Housewives. Our Television industry lives off your ideas. I mean, who knows, in the near future, maybe we can make a sanitized rip-off show which stars Cherry pie Picache, Zsa Zsa Padilla, Ruffa Mae Quinto and Kris Aquino. Remember Dawson’s Creek? Remember Tabing ilog?

It’s just that we, as a people in general, are very sensitive when it comes to our sense of nationalism. But then again, we can always count on Christian Bautista to work on that can’t we?

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Oct200705

Mikey

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