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How to be an Internet Elitist

Posted on October 17, 2007 
Filed Under How tos, The Man Blog

Although I cannot claim to be a pioneer of what we call today as “The Internet Culture;” I’ve been online long enough to have a fairly good understanding of what internet denizens are like. I vaguely remember going online just to download Alicia Silverstone pictures on a 14.4 KBPS connection or logging in to ICQ to ask one of my pre-med classmates to scan his notes for me and have them “DCC’ed” to me–A process which takes something like 4 hours.

I can’t claim to have sent plain text emails on a super computer that runs on vacuum tubes, there were internet pioneers who stretch farther into the past than I did. But one of the things that these pioneers and myself share is being able to witness a time when “internet culture” was a homogeneous thing–a badge we wear proudly.

The internet of 2007 is a long tail of thousands upon thousands of archetypes. Since I do not have sufficient time nor willpower to describe each and every one of them, let me provide you with keen insight into my favorite one: The Internet Elitist.

If you yourself are an internet elitist, please realize that I’m not making fun of you specifically. I’m just making fun of you in general. You know, because you’re a douchebag.

Who are the Internet Elitists

Internet elitists are typically in their mid twenties to their mid thirties. They spend most of their adult life obsessively fixating over the internet, something which they consider to be their domain. Among all the archetypes of modern internet users, the internet elitist is the one who share the most characteristics with the pioneers of the Internet. They’d remind you every chance they get too.

Internet elitists think that having an email address with a naming convention other than “name.surname@email.com” is “geigh” and using Yahoo! Messenger is “retarded” since the Yahoo! Messenger client “sold out” when it served ads. Internet elitists use Trillian or for Mac elitists, the more elite of internet elitists, Adium.

Awesomecakes! How do I become one?

Internet elitists have very discerning tastes when it comes to how they use the internet or how they entertain themselves over the internet. They will discuss their passions to a point of fanatical obsession. In order to qualify as an internet elitist, you must possess at least five of the following qualities:

Originally written for The Man Blog


Comments

18 Responses to “How to be an Internet Elitist”

  1. Lauren on October 17th, 2007 10:11 pm

    LOLZ at the last one! I see it happening all the tiem.

  2. Mikey on October 17th, 2007 10:22 pm

    Your comment is so retarded.

  3. Lauren on October 17th, 2007 10:37 pm

    You hurt my feelings. Fucking elitist.

  4. Helganomymous on October 18th, 2007 7:48 am

    What bad grammar this Mike person has.

  5. liz on October 18th, 2007 7:54 am

    why am i seeing Marco in my head the whole time i’m reading this?

  6. Mikey on October 18th, 2007 9:34 am

    Helga said my grammar was bad when actually it was my spelling which sucked. Whatta stupet.

    Also, I won the 1992 Saint Luke’s School Spelling bee, so I GUESS I HAVE EVERY FUCKING RIGHT TO SCREW UP MY SPELLING NOW THAT I’m 25 FUCKING YEARS OLD!

    MORE PANINI STICKERS PLEASE MOMMY!

    Liz, I dunno. Maybe because you’re inlove? 8->

  7. Benj on October 18th, 2007 9:46 am

    You just had to include Tool! Boo! :(

  8. dhonjason on October 18th, 2007 10:29 am

    say Alicia Silverstone! ouch!
    say ICQ! ouch!

  9. Helganomymous on October 18th, 2007 10:41 am

    “They’d remind you every chance they get too.”

    WHATTA STUPETTER!!!

  10. Mikey on October 18th, 2007 10:48 am

    I honestly don’t see anything wrong with that. :|

    Also, you’re a nerd.

  11. Jackie Chang on October 19th, 2007 2:09 am

    Does your mama know you own a blog? Btw, I nailed her last night.

  12. Mikey on October 19th, 2007 2:53 am

    Does YOUR mom know that the best you can do is insipids kindergarten insults?

    Btw, [Insert lame-o Yo momma joke here]

  13. Kris on October 22nd, 2007 10:45 pm

    This blog is popular, therefore it MUST SUCK!

  14. Benj on November 1st, 2007 12:19 am

    Tool! Tool! Tool! Yay!

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