A really really broke(n) Christmas
Posted on December 18, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized
If, like me, you are a totally unsuccessful junior executive / alcoholic Internet star; chances are Christmas doesn’t mean shit to you anymore. The days when I would go around the city with a cute new outfit to visit my godparents and “collect” are long gone.
I could barely remember the days when I’d spend hours on end sitting on my bedroom floor to open red envelopes and draw the wad of crisp 20 peso bills (which to a ten year-old, is equal to around 150,000 pesos of the currency someone like me earns today) from them.
Since I got a job that paid higher than my first job, which was a terrible call center gig, Christmas stopped being a highly-anticipated holiday and became more of a nuisance than anything else. Think about it: For the first time in my 25 years of existence, I feel like I am expected to buy presents for people other than myself.
Wait, just so things are clear, I didn’t mean that I didn’t get my family gifts before, it’s just that nothing was expected of me so I’d usually give horrible gifts–usually a card for my mom and a cheap lighter for my dad. So yes, for the past fifteen or so Christmas’, I killed my mom with generic, often terribly-written words from whoever the fuck writes copy over at Hallmark and killed my dad a little each year with lung cancer.
The difference between then and today is the fact that there is a lot more pressure now in terms of gift-giving for me now that I have a job that pays considerably well.
I particularly feel the bulk of this pressure when I am buying gifts for whoever my special lady is during Christmas. Whenever you give a gift to a girlfriend or a wife, keep in mind that you are also saying “This is how much you mean to me.”
And really, for those of you who know me, you probably know me as, overall, a terrible person, but I will not hesitate to give my girlfriend everything I have. (My ex-girlfriends who read this site are probably making a face right now and thinking “If by ‘everything’ he means ‘hepatitis’ then yeah, sure he gives everything.”)
The problem is I got my salary and my bonus couple of weeks ago and it’s nothing close to what I expected. Add that to the fact that I used a huge chunk of it to chip off pieces of a ginormous credit card debt only a depressed, alcoholic with delusions of grandeur who goes to bars where beers cost 70 pesos a bottle like me could accrue.
So yes, I apologize to everyone in advance because it is going to be a really sad / awkward Christmas not only for me, but also for you as I intend to sweep the house and my office desk for things I can recycle as gifts. I could imagine it now.
My Mom: “A pair of unused men’s shoes that didn’t fit you seven years ago and sure as hell wouldn’t fit me now! Best Christmas ever!”
My Dad: “Shredded pieces of paper which if I tape together would show me your company’s financial standing last year! You are the best! I don’t deserve you as a son!”
My Brother: “A Pizza Hut Cheezy Pops flyer, a Biogesic, an old Hard Disk and assorted calling cards you stole from dad’s drawer! Thanks!”
My Girlfriend: “Colored push pins, a crumpled piece of notebook paper where you wrote a Shakespeare sonnet which you tried to pass as your own and a power adapter for a laptop brand I don’t have! And man, all I got you was a gift certificate that entitles you to stay in a Hotel where the room rates are more than the median rent for most Philippine Cities. I feel terrible. Marry me?”
So yay! Merry Fucking Christmas everybody!
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The Star
Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!
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Well since you really don’t give gifts even a pizza hut flyer is a huge improvement!
So you mean the picture frames we’re getting are a big deal? Wow.
Didn’t I tell you? I’m not giving you all frames anymore, I’m just getting you brownies! Yay!
Wait, I mean them Ade. You’re too fat for brownies.
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