The great underwear dilemma

I am not a very big fan of briefs. I mean, I do not see anything wrong with wearing them it’s just that, and any of my ex girlfriends (or the “sex professionals” whose services I availed) can attest to this, I look abhorrently worse than I really am in them.

I do wear them sometimes and they kinda do feel comfortable (If you’re working and haven’t yet tried tucking your shirt in your briefs and putting your pants on just high enough for your briefs’ Bench waistband to stick out, you sir, do not belong in the corporate world. You belong in prison). But the sad fact is that somebody as fat as I am should not have any business rocking briefs.

Anyway, today is one of those rare occasions when I felt compelled to wear briefs. You see, one of my company’s Vice Presidents flew in a couple of days back and because I wanted to dress to impress, I decided to ditch the entire ratty shirt, tattered pants and boxers’ waistband sticking out just above my garrison belt look I had going on and went with something a little bit more presentable. (Read: Same outfit sans the boxers plus a fake plaid Ralph Lauren shirt I found in my dad’s closet)

So yeah, this morning I had to go to work early and get dressed really quick. After taking a bath, I put on these size 34 briefs I’ve had for five years, the rest of my clothes and hopped to my car to drive to work.

After lunch today as I was about to take a leak, I unzipped my pants and reached down my briefs to whip out my bird. I noticed that I was having trouble (Which really isn’t new since just the task of finding my bird is like trying to find a wine cork in a jar filled with oatmeal). For some reason, my briefs were a little tighter than usual. And then I realized something–my briefs were on backwards.

The front narrow part where the slit you can grab your bird from was flossing my butt and the wide back part was forcing my bird to be squished between my legs.

And because I am too lazy (and because I do not want to switch my briefs around in our office’s cramped bathroom. I mean, the last thing I want is for my co-workers to hear me crashing into things in the bathroom banging into walls and shit as I jockey my underwear into place while being balls naked), I will continue to wear my briefs backwards.

Come to think of it, it isn’t that uncomfortable. The feeling of getting your butt flossed is sort of pleasant, if not arousing.

I should stop now.

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