The Beginner’s guide to winning online debates
Posted on February 28, 2008
Filed Under How tos, The Man Blog
In the span of over 4 years of kvetching and making fun of all things stupid on various blogs I write for, I’ve received many a complicated and horrendously misspelled email or blog comment informing me in very vivid detail of how much I suck.
I’ve always tried to see these comments or emails as constructive criticism; but sometimes, comments like “Mike Villar likes to lick donkey balls because he has the intelligence quotient of a barbecue skewer. Also, he is a gay and a dumb” are too much for even myself to resist:
Yes. Sometimes, I cannot help but retaliate with an effortless strike of witty, obscene, curse-filled polemic whenever comments like these find their way in my inbox. Of course this isn’t exactly a good idea because as we all know, arguments done over the internet last an average of 62 years and sometimes even carries over to your unsuspecting progeny’s internet life. (Most of the flames directed towards me were actually just spillovers from my dad’s tiff with some members of a Dragon Ball Z message board back in 1967)
Needless to say, I have mastered the art of arguing over the internet and if you have enough time and patience, I am willing to take you under my wing and teach you this intricate art. Or maybe not because even if you do have the time, I probably don’t as I am perpetually busy proving that Super Saiyan Son Goku is no match for a Super Saiyan IV Vegeta to a nine year old over a nondescript anime message board.
So, you know, why don’t you kamehameha your face and just read the fucking guide?
What the fuck do you know? I am the expert. Bitch.
If, for some reason, you find yourself arguing with somebody over the internet about whether or not Gloria Macapagal Arroyo should resign, say that you are the secret emperor of the Philippines and thus know more about the subject than she does. And if say you find yourself arguing with somebody about the legitimacy of blogs as a medium for journalism, why don’t you go ahead and claim that you are the Dean of Blogs in the University of the Universe’s college of blogging?
What you have to understand is that it really doesn’t matter whether or not you know what the fuck you’re talking about. The internet makes it possible for you to become anyone you want to be! (read: Rising Internet Star)
Sample Flame: Hellow pow! y WuD u Say ThaT KiM is d BesT PInOy BiG BROTHeR GrAnd ChAmPion? ThAT Is A BuLLsHet! You DnT knW WhaT ur TalkIng AboUT! ClEarLY NEL is d BEst GrANd ChamPion BeCauSe HiS Pogi And hAs Dark Betlog and Many BulBols!
How NOT to respond: Hi, while, arguably, Nel is the most colorful character as far as the entire Pinoy Big Brother series would go, he didn’t have as much career mileage as Kim Chiu did after PBB. I think her endorsements speak for themselves. Just my opinion 
Correct Response: I would listen to you but seeing that you didn’t CONCEPTUALIZE, FILM, MANAGE, nor did you do ALL THE STUNTS for Pinoy Big Brother like I did, I don’t think your opinion matters. So why don’t you just suck a queer fetus you stupid fuck!
NEVER Stay on topic
This is very important. Never, under any circumstances should you attempt to engage a flamer on an argument that could potentially stay on track. If you stick to finding flaws in your flamer’s comment instead of tackling the issue head on, you should be fine.
Everybody knows that anyone who stays on topic leave themselves open for further scrutiny and end up parrying strikes from his opponent when he clearly needs to be on the attack instead.
It’s really just like Marvel Vs. Street Fighter– The amateur internet debater ducks in a corner with their arms covering their face to dampen their opponent’s blows, waiting for the perfect opportunity to launch a counterstrike. The experienced internet debater on the other hand unleashes complicated 3222-hit combos that more often than not involves transforming into a ten headed dragon of death that breathes orange fireballs of destruction and opening a can of evil pedophile mime death on their cowering opponents.
Sample Flame: I read your post about how blogs are used by some people as penis-compensating tools. I think you don’t know what you’re talking about and should probably do some more research. Blogs are an integral part of social media!
How not to respond: No, I stand by what I wrote. It’s just that bloggers nowadays value their existence based on their blog’s page rank and technorati links.
Correct Response: Um no? You are a dumb and stupid and you’re probably a virgin. Why don’t you just go to your squatter house and kiss your squatter mom because you are stupid as a dumb idiot.
Even better response: I HEADSHOT YOU WITH AWP
Call anyone who flames you a Fag
An internet argument is not an argument at all if it doesn’t involve one person calling another a Fag. This is a non-negotiable requirement of an internet argument.
People who don’t know any better would probably find this tactic childish and politically incorrect but this technique represents one of the cornerstones of internet debating.
This technique is believed to have been invented by The Man Blog’s Pau Araos who, up to now, uses the technique with staggering mastery and efficiency.
Sample Flame: Why do you keep mentioning that Diablo Cody used to be a stripper? Yeah, so? Seriously, why is that even worth mentioning? Because if you keep bringing that shit up, I think it’s only right that you also mention that she graduated with a degree in Media Studies. That she used to do proofreading jobs. That she used to write for magazines. Long story short, she’s more qualified than any of you ignorant bigots will ever be. I mean, really (Sample Flame courtesy of Anne)
How NOT to reply: You’re right. I should probably have done more research. I’ll edit my post when I find the time. Thank you for pointing that out.
Correct Response: EAT MY PENIS PLZ! JUMP UP MY BUTT YOU FAG!!!1
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