How to avoid a bad case of Death
A common misconception about The Man Blog is that people think that a TMB editor’s writing repertoire is limited to writing articles replete with penis jokes and general curmudgeonry. Well, truth is, that cannot be any farther from the truth because at TMB, we’re all about social significance and churning out high-quality content that aims to inform and check this out, to keep our readers safe.
After all, yours truly had a recent brush with death and our readers who are not incapacitated or dead statistically have more money to put into our illegal “Donate to starving orphans in Africa” and “We promise your money will get there and we won’t spend it on alcohol” funds.
Two paragraphs of fluff later and with no further ado, I shall impart to you, dear reader, some useful tips to avoid dying.
If you follow these simple tips, you’d be exactly like this guy. Healthy, alive and most probably a douchebag.
Tip #1:
If by any chance, a venomous scorpion finds its way inside your shoe, do not wear it. I know you really like that pair of shoes and I agree that you’d look silly wearing only one shoe, but bro your shoe belongs to the venomous scorpion now. He has like neurotoxic venom or some shit that could give you a bad case of death if you get stung.
If you’re really forgetful and you feel like you can’t trust yourself to avoid putting the shoe with the venomous scorpion in it on, you might want to consider writing “Do not fucking wear” on a paper and gluing it on the shoe where the venomous scorpion is.
If wearing the shoe cannot be avoided, you will have to get rid of the venomous scorpion–you can do this by not giving it food daily. It will then get hungry and shall be forced to get out of your shoe to hunt for food.
Tip #2:
Try to say no to AIDS. Sure, it sounds tempting and all but people who’ve actually had AIDS will tell you it’s not as good as it’s all hyped to be.
Tip #3:
If a bear attacks you while you’re taking a leak behind some bushes, you have to make sure that the bear is smaller than you. Scientific studies show that the size of an animal is directly proportional to the seriousness of the injury and the size of death it can inflict on a human being it attacks. So yeah, make sure the bear has a serious case of dwarfism or something.
Tip #4:
When faced with the decision to whether fall off a high cliff or not to fall off a high cliff, choose to not fall off a high cliff EVERY TIME. Seriously, this is not hard. Think of it this way: you can pretty much choose to not fall of a high cliff a million times in a row and everything would be fine and dandy; if you choose to fall off a high cliff just once you fuck everything up.
Tip #5:
If you find yourself being stabbed, DO NOT, under any circumstance, take off your chain mail. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable or you think you saw an insect creep inside your chain mail, DO NOT remove it. Also, if you have some sort of uncanny mutant ability that allows you to heal instantly but you found a magic coin that grants you one wish, now is a terrible time to wish your mutant ability away. Really, screw being normal. Just take deep breaths and wait the stabbing out.
Quick question, though: What if I a really small bear with AIDS tries to rape me? Should I run or should I fight? Because, you know, it’s really small. I think I can take it on. That’s all. Thanks and more power!
Well since you’ve already made sure that the bear trying to rape you is small, you just have to make sure that the AIDS it has is non-contagious.
Hope this helps.
Best,
Mikey
Can I choose to be eaten by a shark? I’ve always wanted to be part of someone’s shit the following morning.
As long as the shark is not poisonous! Good luck!
Ok. I’m falling off a cliff now. (Hey, it’s not my fault you didn’t write this article a day earlier)
So, do I keep falling or stop?
Please answer as quickly as you can. Thanks.
Ok. So I didn’t feed the scorpion in my shoe and yes, now it’s looking for food. A quick question: What should I do, if the scorpion decides that my foot is going to be it’s food?
Fantastic article. Just a tip for folks still wearing chain mail — try wearing kevlar instead. It’s easier and lighter to wear and will also help protect against bullets. Just remember, love your kevlar. Kevlar is your friend.
Awesome post yet again, dude!
Mikey, would you mind if I take the liberty to answer kagenoir’s question?
Well, kagenoir, the answer to that is actually a no-brainer one: You just have to make sure that you’re wearing steel-toe when the scorpion decides to eat your foot. That, or make sure you have a severe case of athletes foot (see http://tinyurl.com/2ahhcz) and hope that’d scare the living sh*t out of the scorpion.
there’s a kevlar vest for women, it’s called KEP-LAR VEST.
To answer Pau’s question: The first thing you have to do is calm down. The second thing you do is make sure that your fall isn’t deadly.
Deadly falls kill people. Just a reminder.
Some good information in your post. Thanks for the pleasant read!