A common misconception about The Man Blog is that people think that a TMB editor’s writing repertoire is limited to writing articles replete with penis jokes and general curmudgeonry. Well, truth is, that cannot be any farther from the truth because at TMB, we’re all about social significance and churning out high-quality content that aims to inform and check this out, to keep our readers safe.

After all, yours truly had a recent brush with death and our readers who are not incapacitated or dead statistically have more money to put into our illegal “Donate to starving orphans in Africa” and “We promise your money will get there and we won’t spend it on alcohol” funds.

Two paragraphs of fluff later and with no further ado, I shall impart to you, dear reader, some useful tips to avoid dying.

If you follow these simple tips, you’d be exactly like this guy. Healthy, alive and most probably a douchebag.

Tip #1:

If by any chance, a venomous scorpion finds its way inside your shoe, do not wear it. I know you really like that pair of shoes and I agree that you’d look silly wearing only one shoe, but bro your shoe belongs to the venomous scorpion now. He has like neurotoxic venom or some shit that could give you a bad case of death if you get stung.

If you’re really forgetful and you feel like you can’t trust yourself to avoid putting the shoe with the venomous scorpion in it on, you might want to consider writing “Do not fucking wear” on a paper and gluing it on the shoe where the venomous scorpion is.

If wearing the shoe cannot be avoided, you will have to get rid of the venomous scorpion–you can do this by not giving it food daily. It will then get hungry and shall be forced to get out of your shoe to hunt for food.

Tip #2:

Try to say no to AIDS. Sure, it sounds tempting and all but people who’ve actually had AIDS will tell you it’s not as good as it’s all hyped to be.

Tip #3:

If a bear attacks you while you’re taking a leak behind some bushes, you have to make sure that the bear is smaller than you. Scientific studies show that the size of an animal is directly proportional to the seriousness of the injury and the size of death it can inflict on a human being it attacks. So yeah, make sure the bear has a serious case of dwarfism or something.

Tip #4:

When faced with the decision to whether fall off a high cliff or not to fall off a high cliff, choose to not fall off a high cliff EVERY TIME. Seriously, this is not hard. Think of it this way: you can pretty much choose to not fall of a high cliff a million times in a row and everything would be fine and dandy; if you choose to fall off a high cliff just once you fuck everything up.

Tip #5:

If you find yourself being stabbed, DO NOT, under any circumstance, take off your chain mail. I don’t care if it’s uncomfortable or you think you saw an insect creep inside your chain mail, DO NOT remove it. Also, if you have some sort of uncanny mutant ability that allows you to heal instantly but you found a magic coin that grants you one wish, now is a terrible time to wish your mutant ability away. Really, screw being normal. Just take deep breaths and wait the stabbing out.

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