A post to appease my young readers’ parents. (Aka THE FUCK YOU post)
Posted on April 11, 2008
Filed Under Anatomy of a Drunk Man
Okay, I received two separate emails in the last couple of months accusing me and this little site of adulating the merits of alcohol and drug abuse.
God, some people just don’t get it.
To set the record straight for my readers who are below 15 (And really if some of you are indeed below 15 years of age, get a life. I’m pretty sure there’s something better out there for you to waste your time with other than reading blogs. Doesn’t the media remind you enough of how blogs are made of raw, unharnessed evil and how they destroys lives? Why don’t you pick up a hobby? Or let your parents live their unfulfilled childhood dreams vicariously through you by excelling in school or sports?) and go on record to say that not everything about alcohol and drugs is boss.
Obviously, alcohol and drugs are costly. And I’m not saying that in the “It’s going to set me back a couple of hundred backs” sense but rather in the “I spent half of today getting high and drunk, spent 4,000 Pesos on alcohol and drugs and I think I need money somewhere in the neighborhood of 600,000 Pesos to get me through the rest of the day. Wait, how much jail time are we talking about for robbery with homicide? Really? What if I threw in rape and extortion in there?” sense.
Also, in case you didn’t know yet, drugs are illegal. Before you can act all cool and boss like Tito Mikey over here, you have to heavily interact and deal with a company of unscrupulous characters who’ll threaten to stab you in the mouth if you try anything funny with them or you go all erotic with one of their girlfriends even if you insist that “It’s not what it looks like” or say shit like “It wasn’t even that great. Her pubes felt like a brillo pad rubbing against my crotch”
What’s even scarier is that if the police catch you with drugs on you, you’re going to have to go to prison. (Remember: only rich and well-connected people like Tito Mikey can get caught with drugs and not go to prison)
Take it from someone who’s been sober and clean for over a year now (lie. I meant 2 days): a life of alcohol and drugs is nothing but one big clusterfuck. If you’re someone who hasn’t fucked with this shit before and intend to do so because you read on a rising internet star’s diary how totally boss is and how it makes you look cool and more fuckable in the eyes of the opposite sex; DON’T. Some of the drugs I’ve tried aren’t cool if you smoke too few or snort fewer than 5 lines, and if you get the low grade shit they sell in the side streets of Commonwealth avenue, it’s not worth it.
More importantly, if you’re an overweight, stressed 26 year old whose heart feels like it’s going to explode every time you engage yourself in physical activities that last longer than 3 minutes then you really REALLY should not fuck around with alcohol and drugs. If you do, you’re going to have a crazy, awkward night when you decide to drive yourself to a hospital emergency room at 2am on a Monday because you could’ve sworn you lost your hearing and part of your vision and think you’re going about to get a stroke and have the following conversation with the attending physician:
Physician: Sir, are you certain you’re having a stroke? Does your family have a history of heart disease or hypertension?
You: “Yes and yes”
Physician: “Have you done any drugs in the last 4 hours?”
You: [feigning a facial expression that looks somewhat offended] “What?! NO! OF COURSE NOT!”
Physician: [Suspicious. Taking notes] “Are you certain sir?”
You: [Raising hands in the sheer “ridiculousness” of it all] “Of course I’m certain! Why are you asking me all these questions?”
Physician: “So, if I were to collect urine from you and run a drug test on it, the results would be negative right?”
You: [Realizing that the game is over] “Well–you know what? You’re right. I’m high as a kite. You’re not like required to call the police or anything are you?”
Physician: “No, but I suggest you call a relative to pick you up. I don’t think you’re fit to drive.”
You: “Okay, let me call King Arthur”
So yes Kids, don’t do drugs.
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The Star
Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!
i’m the 1st to post! yay!
^ okaaaaaaay.
But Unca Mikey, what about pedophilia? Do you recommend it?
You’re related to king arthur?
Whutev. Next.
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