I developed a retarded fear of flying. I’ve traveled many times on a plane before but never did I develop a paralyzing fear of flying until last week, after my trip to Bicol with Marc, Riz, Ely, Alvin, Rico, Francis and other USAP Marketing Managers. 

The morning we’re supposed to fly back to manila, we all took a Cebu Pacific flight from Legazpi and I, as usual, was violently hungover – I had saliva and beer encrusted on the edges of my mouth, and was practically shivering like a motherfucker as all the Gran Matador I so ungraciously imbibed the night before waltzed around my arteries.

I was still wearing the board shorts and hoodie I wore the night before and I looked, not surprisingly, like a homeless person–or more like a homeless person who had just got kicked the shit out of by a gang of Bicolano youth who belong to True Brown Style’s Legazpi Chapter with 2×4’s and chains.

Anyway, the flight, although only thirty minutes long, was probably one of the most turbulent plane rides I’ve ever been on in my entire life. The plane was diving and falling the entire time and, as I leaned back on my seat, barf bag in hand, crotch on the other, I thought about all the girls I didn’t make out with, all the deviant sexual activities I didn’t engage in and was making a list of things to do should I survive the ordeal (On the top of my list was “Verbally abuse an old woman”, “Print a hundred copies of a document with nothing on it but ‘[Name of someone from work whom I hate] smells like dried fish and looks like a harpy’ in big bold letters and place a copy on everyone’s desks”, and “eat an entire Shakey’s grand slam pizza in one sitting.”)

Now from that flight on, I shall be abnormally afraid of flying. Also, the fact that I suffered a minor stroke as soon as I landed in Manila will do nothing but to reinforce this fear.

I have a retarded fear of storms. During our visit to Sorsogon, the waves on the beach were frighteningly savage. I have no idea whether or not this is normal, but my mom sent me a text message asking me how I was and how the weather was because the north is being buttsecksed by a devastating storm.

I knew I was in the south but when you’re as panicky as I am, it wouldn’t matter and the only thing that’s gonnao go through your head is “getting hit in the head by a stray monobloc chair because you ran out in the open in the middle of a storm to find the plate of Bicol Express you left behind is a terrible way to go.”

Yeah.

I should really prepare more for presentations. The reason why I had to go to our Bicol office was because I had to give a leadership development presentation to around 20 employees, mostly internet marketers and content writers who’s probably been with the company more than I have. Why I got picked to do this? I don’t know. What I do know is that letting me talk in front of industry veterans is a colossal lapse in judgment; again, we’re talking about ME here. ME, the guy who spends his entire work day trying to figure out the fastest way to navigate and place orders on McDonald’s online Delivery service.

I don’t want to go as far as saying as I was nervous, because getting nervous means that you actually care about what you’re nervous about. And, the only times I really got nervous was during the first time I tried to have sex (”Which fits where?”, “What if I get cramps in the middle of doing it?”, “Where’s the closest ATM?”)

To make things worse, I only got to really look at the material I am supposed to present the day before my trip to Bicol. I mean, this isn’t like PSBA where I can not do shit the entire term, get shit-faced with Emperador the night before an exam and still totally kick ass.

Sure enough, I fudged through my entire presentation, sweat stains on my armpits and all and making comments like “Look, you know I don’t know the answer, why are you deliberately trying to put me on the spot here?” and “Presentation’s done. Fuck this shit and let’s eat.”

No, seriously, I want to thank all the wonderful employees over at USAP Legazpi for bearing with me and my presentation I obviously didn’t prepare for. Thank you for being polite enough and not dozing off in the middle of the entire thing. And thank you all for showing us a wonderful time. I miss your Calamari and your little malls. And yes I miss you guys. Some more than others. But whutev.

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