Mike Villar: Now Healthy as a battleship!
Posted on May 26, 2008
Filed Under Daily, Failures, Gluttony
Okay, so I think I might’ve suffered a mild stroke early last week and because I think, that after the terrible bouts of depression and intense episodes of panic attacks I went through almost two years ago, I developed some form of hypochondria or cyberchondria, I’ve been seeing my doctor a lot lately.
When I learned that my doctor was opening up a clinic in a nearby teaching hospital, I almost felt compelled to rent an apartment in the area just so I can assuage all my fears and I can easily be transported to the emergency room in case anything does happen to me (I don’t know–Poisoned because I tried to mix Lysol with my Gran Matador? Choked because I tried to cram a deck of cards down my throat on a drunken dare? Whatever.)
Now, besides the fact that my doctor is the best cardiologist in the country, I particularly like seeing my doctor because his medical directorship in the teaching hospital I go to means that he has a corps of hot female residents sitting in with him while he does clinic.
What I wasn’t looking forward to was having a significantly hot resident in her late 20’s hook me up to an Electrocardiogram because this, to say the least awkward. Keep in mind that I am overweight and thus, even when I have sex, my only goal is to not gain nor give pleasure but to go through the entire thing leaving as much articles of clothing possible.
Sure enough, when I came in for a checkup yesterday, and after my doctor took my blood pressure, he instructed his female resident to hook up the diodes of the ECG to my body which made me all tense and shit.
I was able to relax after a while and I was able to make small talk and crack some jokes. At this point, I was thinking everything’s going to be cool - as long as I can convince her not to make me take off my shirt.
We chewed the fat some more and got to talking about how I used to be in med school and after a while, I realized that “hey, I’m flirting with this chick and she’s moments away from asking me to take off my shirt and seeing my horrible stretch marks and being extremely turned off if not totally repulsed.”
“Lie down please” she said motioning me towards the bed.
Fuck. If I remember correctly from my last checkup this is the point where she’s going to ask me to take off my shirt and feel me up with her stethoscope. So, I laid down and as she lifted my shirt to hook up the first diode, we had this conversation:
Hot Female Resident: Do you shave?
Me: [Feeling my chin] Yes, I actually shaved earlier.
Hot Female Resident: No I meant down there [Motioning to my crotch]
Me: Only when I’m expecting to get some action!
Hot Female Resident: So I’m guessing you shaved today? [biting her lip]
Then we both laughed and she gave me what could possibly have been the most intense blowjob Asia has ever seen.
Okay, that didn’t happen but it would’ve been really awesome if it did.
What did happen was she ended up not making me take off my shirt and just hooked up the diodes underneath it. I mean, I can’t blame her. It’s not pretty under there. Last time I checked under my shirt, I found pop corn from last year’s New Year’s Eve party lodged between fat.
Another thing that happened was me getting a twenty-minute lecture about the dangers of smoking from a hot girl only two years older than I am who obviously doesn’t smoke nor drink because the one time she drank in college, she ended up going down on a lesbian coed inside her dorm’s comfort room and she has sworn off alcohol ever since.
Anyway, except for an elevated Hemoglobin count in my hematology report which, as usual, they blame on my smoking, I was told that I was healthy as a battleship physically. I wish I could say the same about the state of my mental health but I’d be lying.
Now, what does a guy have to do around here to get a cigarette and maybe a pack of chicharon? I’m dying here.
Comments
8 Responses to “Mike Villar: Now Healthy as a battleship!”
Leave a Reply
-
The Star
Mike "Fucking" Villar
Read more
"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!
It’s nice to know that you’re doing better, Mike.
Thanks Benj.
Okay, what the fuck just happened there?
Dude, I seriously need to get drunk and load up on sisig. C’mon, let’s go.
Such supportive friends I have.
Fear not, Mikey my friend! I’LL support you! Tell us more about the hot female resident please. Thanks.
Dude, I’ll support you. Over beer and sisig.
i think were all glad to know that your okay work will be boring without you lol
My dad had life-saving heart surgery two months ago. One of his arteries was already 95% occluded - and he wasn’t feeling anything. He turned 50 last October. I guess you’re really advanced for your age.
- this of course coming from a guy who refuses fruits and vegetables. LOL