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Sometimes I overdo this humor thing

Posted on May 30, 2008 
Filed Under Failures, Nickel and Diming

Allow me to illustrate: Last night, I was having dinner with my company’s CEO along with 30 some odd managers from different departments. So the CEO was going from table to table talking to everybody and, when he reached the table where I and the company’s marketing managers were, the arbitrary topic of discussion was “shit you were into when you were young.”

Since he was a pretty cool guy, everybody was shooting the shit with him and telling him stuff from “drawing” to “building shit with lego blocks”, I, on the other hand was frantically trying to think of something to say that jumps out of the page whenever he looks back at all the people he met in Manila, contemplating on who to promote.

I was thinking along the lines of “Business Analysis” and “Requirements Elicitation” even though I knew that saying those would be the grand douchebag thing to do.

So, I decided to resort to something I thought I was good at–telling jokes.

“Well” I said. “I was really into dolls growing up.” [mimicking playing with a doll. Moving imaginary appendages with my fingers.]

Dolls?

Really Mike?

Dolls?

I couldn’t have thought of a better joke than that? A joke that would forever cast an ominous shadow on my sexual orientation in front of my company’s top executive, giving him an impression that all I do in the office is spend hours on end trying to arouse myself into a seizure surfing the net for doll porn? I mean what. the. fuck. Dolls?

Immediately after I said it, I came to the realization that I had done something terribly gay. As if it wasn’t enough that I mimicked moving imaginary doll appendages with my fingers and my pinkies up in a suspiciously convivial way, I followed up with “And little boys!” I am awesome.

And I fucking swear to God, even though everybody knew that what I said was a joke, I saw a look on my CEO’s face that sort of says “Dolls? You better take your fruit basket out of my company before you paint rainbows everywhere, you prince” There were a couple of forced laughter from people in my department before I excused myself to smoke.

That was just fucking terrible. Now, I feel like I should talk to him tomorrow and ask him out to drink beer while watching sports or beat up women. Or maybe at least say something like “Did you see the gonzagas on that girl [pointing to a random girl in the office]? Man, I’d love to lick the shit out of those monster breasts because you know, that’s what straight men like me do. I would probably even want to insert my penis in her sexual organ most likely without a condom because condoms are for flaming homosexuals and I believe that after the second date, all women should be on the pill anyway” And maybe down an entire flask of whiskey before heading out his office. Also, I might be wearing a denim jacket like Rudy Fernandez’s but a more macho one.