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Birth Control, Condom Dry Run

Posted on June 17, 2008 
Filed Under Failures

 There comes a time in a man’s life when he manages to stay in a relationship for more than three days, get sex semi-regularly and when thinking about birth control is actually necessitated.

I, ladies and gentlemen, am at that juncture in my life. 

As I see it, I currently have two options: 1) Make the girlfriend go on the pill (Which, I believe is something every girl should be on after the second date anyway) and 2) Use a condom.

Now let’s talk about option #1 first. To say that I am iffy with the idea of making the girlfriend go on the pill would be an enormous understatement. Reading up on the matter, I found out that the common side effects of the pill are headaches, depression, change in intensity of sexual desire and response, vaginitis and vaginal discharge–things which defeat the entire purpose of even thinking about birth control which is to get as much sexing as humanly possible. I mean vaginal discharge? Eww Come on!

This leads us to what seems to be the easiest, most viable birth control option for me: The condom. Now, admittedly, I have little experience with condoms as I find them awkward and impractical (I mean come on, you mean you have to replace your rubber every round? That’s kind of retarded you know).

I probably only used a condom twice or thrice in my entire life. The first time was sort of a dry run, if I can call it that. A condom dry run is something every guy goes through because really, no guy would ever put on a condom for the first time while his girlfriend (or in my case, house help) lies in bed with her skirt up and panties down waiting to be desecrated. A condom dry run is important so that when the real thing comes up, you’d be able to slip the thing on as quickly and smoothly as possible thus eliminating the possibility of your partner changing her mind. Or the alcohol/drug to wear off.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really mind wearing a condom because, most of the time, I’m just happy to be getting some action and would pretty much put anything on my penis just to get off with a living, semi-conscious, consenting female.

I do have a couple of gripes about using them:

First, they’re awkward as fuck and the entire process of putting the goddamn thing on your baby bird, more often than not, takes you out of the moment. I mean seriously, wouldn’t you rather transition smoothly from foreplay to intercourse than to start making out, take a few articles of clothing off, stop  to rummage through your bedside drawer for a condom, put it on your rapidly softening manhood, attempt to penetrate her, apologize profusely for being soft before finally walking away in shame and maybe having a donut?

Second, and I think this is something not exclusive to guys, sex with a condom on isn’t as pleasurable as having sex without one. But then again, a part of me thinks that I shouldn’t even be complaining about this and just be happy that I’m getting some action other than masturbating into my my dad’s socks.

So yeah, aside from the pill and the condom, the only other alternatives I can think of are, well, AIDS and illegitimate children–which, from what I hear, aren’t that cool.

Anyway, if any of you are experts (or sex workers) who know of alternative birth control methods, please, let me know.

For now, it’s back to masturbating into my dad’s socks for me.


Comments

15 Responses to “Birth Control, Condom Dry Run”

  1. Ade on June 17th, 2008 11:33 am

    Okaaaaay.

  2. Mikey on June 17th, 2008 11:38 am

    why?

  3. Ade on June 17th, 2008 8:30 pm

    THIRD!

  4. Mia on June 18th, 2008 4:18 am

    why dont you u ask an ob? ive been on the pill for 2 years now and wala naman akong nafefeel. kanya kanya lang siguro yan

  5. liz on June 18th, 2008 8:07 am

    well she can try an Intra-Uterine Device (IUD). am interested in it myself. there’s also the sponge to catch sperm. spermicides. rhythm method—if she menstruates regularly, she can determine the days when unprotected sex is ok. ang dami kaya. Google knows all.

  6. cigarette-girl on June 18th, 2008 8:08 am

    pills is ok. just depends on the girl, she needs to find one that works best with her system.

    if you have no plans of having kids ever, there’s vasectomy. :D

  7. Mikey on June 18th, 2008 9:35 pm

    VASECTOMY! YOU ARE A GENIUS!

  8. cortez on June 19th, 2008 8:35 am

    or castration.. it sounds cooler

  9. alohapenny on June 19th, 2008 4:30 pm

    Your dad’s socks? Eeewww. FAILLar.

  10. . on June 21st, 2008 6:28 am

    OR.. not having sex until you get married! Isn’t it the right thing to do? Oh well.. I sounded like most of our parents. LOL but think about it =D

    just an opinion :D

  11. liz on June 21st, 2008 6:52 am

    uhm.

  12. kenna on June 24th, 2008 8:44 pm

    maybe you can ask your gf first…. leave the researching, planning and decision making to her!… make her do it fast nga lang.. haha

  13. kenna on June 25th, 2008 5:15 pm

    Or maybe this…

    “…My old man said the way ancient duded never got their ladies pregnant, before rubbers and birth-control pills and sponges and sh*t, was, a little bit after they shot their wad, with their dick still buried deep, ancient dudes knew to piss just a dribble. Just let a trickle of piss leak out. Piss, my old man said, was enough acid to kill the sperm..” ~ Chuck Palahiniuk

    Read more.

  14. Sorbetera on June 26th, 2008 4:59 am

    ^
    Take a leak inside the woman? Wow… sounds like something straight out of azn pron.

    The “I’d do her without a condom” image is scaring me. T__T

  15. Pau on July 4th, 2008 11:21 pm

    Just like you I’ve put on a condom at least three times in my life. And removed them twice.

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