There comes a time in a man’s life when he manages to stay in a relationship for more than three days, get sex semi-regularly and when thinking about birth control is actually necessitated.

I, ladies and gentlemen, am at that juncture in my life. 

As I see it, I currently have two options: 1) Make the girlfriend go on the pill (Which, I believe is something every girl should be on after the second date anyway) and 2) Use a condom.

Now let’s talk about option #1 first. To say that I am iffy with the idea of making the girlfriend go on the pill would be an enormous understatement. Reading up on the matter, I found out that the common side effects of the pill are headaches, depression, change in intensity of sexual desire and response, vaginitis and vaginal discharge–things which defeat the entire purpose of even thinking about birth control which is to get as much sexing as humanly possible. I mean vaginal discharge? Eww Come on!

This leads us to what seems to be the easiest, most viable birth control option for me: The condom. Now, admittedly, I have little experience with condoms as I find them awkward and impractical (I mean come on, you mean you have to replace your rubber every round? That’s kind of retarded you know).

I probably only used a condom twice or thrice in my entire life. The first time was sort of a dry run, if I can call it that. A condom dry run is something every guy goes through because really, no guy would ever put on a condom for the first time while his girlfriend (or in my case, house help) lies in bed with her skirt up and panties down waiting to be desecrated. A condom dry run is important so that when the real thing comes up, you’d be able to slip the thing on as quickly and smoothly as possible thus eliminating the possibility of your partner changing her mind. Or the alcohol/drug to wear off.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really mind wearing a condom because, most of the time, I’m just happy to be getting some action and would pretty much put anything on my penis just to get off with a living, semi-conscious, consenting female.

I do have a couple of gripes about using them:

First, they’re awkward as fuck and the entire process of putting the goddamn thing on your baby bird, more often than not, takes you out of the moment. I mean seriously, wouldn’t you rather transition smoothly from foreplay to intercourse than to start making out, take a few articles of clothing off, stop  to rummage through your bedside drawer for a condom, put it on your rapidly softening manhood, attempt to penetrate her, apologize profusely for being soft before finally walking away in shame and maybe having a donut?

Second, and I think this is something not exclusive to guys, sex with a condom on isn’t as pleasurable as having sex without one. But then again, a part of me thinks that I shouldn’t even be complaining about this and just be happy that I’m getting some action other than masturbating into my my dad’s socks.

So yeah, aside from the pill and the condom, the only other alternatives I can think of are, well, AIDS and illegitimate children–which, from what I hear, aren’t that cool.

Anyway, if any of you are experts (or sex workers) who know of alternative birth control methods, please, let me know.

For now, it’s back to masturbating into my dad’s socks for me.

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