Stupid Flowers
Posted on June 29, 2008
Filed Under Daily, Failures
Something I realized lately was I’m probably sending a lot of flower shop proprietors’ kids through college with the business I’m bringing them.
It’s not that I don’t give flowers to girls I’ve had relationships with in the past but lately, and this is probably because I’ve been screwing up a lot and giving my girlfriend flowers is necessitated more than ever, I find myself regularly visiting flower shops.
I’ve never gotten how flowers work and the polarity between how easily a man can get a girl flowers and how much women enjoy and fuss over them is something that never fails to amuse me. I spent countless hours wondering why and last night, somewhere between watching porn and running my Internet drug cartel I think I stumbled upon the answer.
On a guy’s perspective, sure, flowers seem like a really retarded gift– the women who receive them cannot wear them, they cannot consume them, nor could they grind them into a fine powder which they can sniff the hell out of and get fucked up on (This I’m not sure of. I mean, can you? If you’re interested in trying this out, shoot me an email and maybe we can make a documentary about it or something). In addition to that, they’re considerably pricey and they rot in a few days’ time. So yes, flowers, as seen by guys, are gay, costly gifts that do not have any sort practical use to anyone who receives them.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate flowers. In fact, their hefty price tag notwithstanding, I maintain that flowers are nice to look at and they smell really nice. Almost titillating in fact–things that are important to the opposite sex. As someone who’s considerably famous, funny, young and moderately successful yet to date, only managed to sleep with three women without giving them cash or his credit card number in his 26 years of existence; I know that no matter how many times you tell a woman how your family owns a multi-million peso shipping business or how many times you tell a woman about that time you and your friends got into a bar brawl with Diether Ocampo and his asshole friends and ended up breaking a bottle of beer over his head, she will NOT, unless you look and smell nice, and I’m going to quote Mike Francis here, Let you in. In her flower.
But this I don’t think the visual and olfactory stimulation that flowers bring is not the primary reason women enjoy getting them. Let me explain. My first real girlfriend (because we all know that the 36-year-old house help you made out with during your phase of adolescent, sexual hypercuriousity doesn’t count. Although this guy might disagree) was this girl from my freshman year in college. She used to tell me to stop sending her flowers at school because doing so usually sends her classmates into a romance-induced frenzy with her basking in the spotlight, dishing out assumptions as to who this wonderful gift came from.
I mean sure she, irritatedly, told me to stop sending her flowers at school, but I am willing to push all my chips forward and bet that this girl spent hours upon hours masturbating in a toilet stall at school, excited and drunk with all the attention the flowers I gave her got her. I mean come on, nothing screams “Hey look at me! Somebody finds me attractive and that makes me better than you!” than a 1,700 Peso-gift that will decompose in a matter of days.
Now, THIS is the reason why women like getting flowers. It validates that someone cares and loves them enough to give them something so expensive yet so utterly impractical.
So, with this in mind, the next time I feel compelled to give my girlfriend flowers, I will instead storm into her office, stand on a tabletop and scream “Maffy! Please forgive me! I love you so much! You know how much? This much!” and start burning 500 peso bills. I think I may be able to light up three bills before security personnel take me away and put an end to my extravagant display of affection–the same headline the Philippine Daily Inquirer will use to describe the entire thing on page B4 of their Metro section the day after.
Also, perhaps, after everything is done and over with, my girlfriend and I will have intense make-up sex and maybe live my greatest sexual fantasy- for her to be dressed in a Ginebra San Miguel Benny Cheng jersey, making love to me while I’m wearing a Vhong Navarro Lastik Man mask.
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Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!
I hate flowers. Starting right about now.
My logic tells me it’s better to burn three 500-peso bills than bringing me flowers. Same argument as you raised here, why give something that would wilt after a few days? I used to think that until someone gave me flowers.
Call it weird, but flowers make girls feel special and loved. And it affirms their womanhood in a way I really can’t explain. Haha.
Give me flowers? Then I’ll tell you if I end up feeling anything.
Hehe should be a girl tho
I am! In my heart!
Flowers make me feel special, but I prefer food. Flowers are just too impractical for me, I guess. With food, I don’t mind if it’s expensive. At least I can share it with my boyfriend or my mom.
i adore flowers yet i am not exactly sure why.
oh well.
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