As a veteran blogger who finds the luster of blogging less and less appealing with each day that passes, I submit to the fact that microblogging services such as Twitter and Plurk could very well be the last form of un-moderated avenues of self-expression in the swathe of services web 2.0 brought upon us.

Without an authoritarian, normative system of quality control in place like that of the blogosphere’s, a microblogging personality is allowed to flutter about in spaces wherever his deluded brain would take him.

Microblogging personalities, as I see them, is much like the offspring of two celebrities–they are beautifully unmoderated, and are allowed to say anything without being afraid of criticism or reprisal.

So, are you ready to transition into a brainless fame only people who live uninteresting lives like you deserve? Are you interested in enlisting yourself into the cadre of new media hippies who garner less respect than bloggers? Well allow me to hold your hand with a guide specifically structured to send you on your first glorious steps towards polluting the internet with your asininity 140 characters at a time!

Do you want to be…

The guy who still thinks speaking in LOLcat is cool?

The difference between how people think in real life and over the internet is that in real life, people actually know and accept that they might actually be painfully unfunny. After all, there must be a reason why these people have boring desk jobs instead of bringing comedy clubs down with their golden gifts of funny!

On the internet, this perception is skewed horribly that EVERYONE actually believes they are all engineers of an unstoppable LOLcomotive.

I mean seriously, LOLcat speak had a great run but nowadays, it feels as if the joke is being gangraped by thousands of casual, wannabe internet humorists and plurk and twitter are NOT spared from this.

A normal person would have let out a chuckle or two at the joke and moved on but these people must’ve thought “CATS! THAT CAN SPEAK! AND THE JOKES ARE INTENTIONALLY MISSPELLED! I MUST INTERSPERSE EVERYTHING I SAY ONLINE WITH THIS BECAUSE IT’S JUST SO GODDAMN FUNNY! HAHA HAHA HAHA!” And so it’s not uncommon to see plurk or twitter users broadcast fuckingly annoying messages like:

• “o hai gais!”
• “o bai gais! my karma is nutrishoos!”
• “I cant say anything that’s worth your attention, but I bet you want moar. Get it? More? but I typed “moar” Oh shit this is more than 140 characters, what can I delete? I have to leave “moar” there because that’s my comedic coup de grace!”

Messages like these are spread across this digital land of LOL so the uninitiated can laugh next time they see this kind of plagiarized humor printed in big bold letters on some T-shirt in a Greenhills stall.

So yes, fuck you. You’re unfunny and so is your retarded ching-chong language nobody really gives a fuck about.

Or maybe you want to be the guy who follows 24,088 friends and is just all over the fucking place?

For this kind of Twitter-user/Plurker, the compulsion to click that “follow” button in hopes that the user would reciprocate and therefore become someone he could whore his own unoriginal, unamusing thoughts to is so great that he dreams of colorful “follow” buttons in his sleep and has a condition where his index finger involuntarily twitches as if clicking a mouse button.

For these kinds of users, whoring and getting their names out there is the name of the game. So notice how they’re on. every. fucking. thread?! When replying to a plurk or twitter message such as “I feel so sad. my grandmother whom I loved dearly passed away this morning”, it’s typical for them to churn out brilliant ripostes like

• “why?” or
• “yay!”

One theory is that users like these have like REALLY small penises which they compensate for by pumping their Karmas up and unlocking smileys because really, smileys are just so awezoms!

How about the guy who doesn’t make sense nor stays on topic that didn’t make sense in the first place for more than 10 seconds

For these types of people, logic and continuity are sworn enemies. They are in a perpetual badminton match with logic and continuity and everytime they start posting tweets or plurks that make sense, logic and continuity score a point and sends the shuttlecock flying behind a huge locker and these people have to spend a good amount of time trying to move the locker and when they do finally find the shuttlecock, it’s all dusty and they have to wipe it with their white badminton shorts. What a hassle.

So, they make a point never to let logic and continuity score. These people are going to post a tweet or plurk that goes something like “What do you gais think about the president’s System of the Nation Address?”

To which, naturally, somebody would reply “You mean STATE of the Nation Address right?”

The thread ends with this type of user saying “Anyone seen The Dark Knight Yet? I like Jack Nicklaus as the joker moar than Heath!”

Oh, I know! How about the guy who says something racist every once in a while and you couldn’t really tell whether or not they’re joking?

Users like these understand that microblogging is about pushing the envelope and diversifying the mind. Unlike those tacky bloggers who all sound alike, microblogging allows users like these to broadcast plurks or tweets about how towelheads are exploiting our educational system and how those yellow chinks are virtually running our economy.

When questioned, they hit back with sarcastic replies claiming that those who disagree with them don’t have a sense of humor and how mainstream media has eroded their ability to understand satire. Then they call you a “fucking bisaya”

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