Death Dog
Okay, so my mom and I had this conversation earlier:
Mom: “So [insert neighbor's name here] is giving away one of their dog’s puppies and Ryan’s pestering me to take it.”
Me: “I don’t see a problem with it. I mean, Ryan and I like puppies; when that puppy turns into a dog in a couple of months, we’d all be thinking in retrospect that, perhaps, we might as well have gotten an old carpet and a jar of fleas because that’s what the dog’s going to be like at that time.”
Mom: “I know, but it’s really nice…”
Me: “What breed is it?”
Mom: “A Rottweiser…”
Me: “A what now?”
Mom: “A Rott-something! It’s black and it has huge paws…”
Me: “A Rottweiler you mean?”
Mom: “Yes!”
Me: “Oh you got to be fucking kidding me!”
This is going to be nothing but trouble. Don’t get me wrong here–I like dogs as much as the next dog-walking faggot you see in Eastwood or whatever but a fucking Rottweiler? A dog that is at least four times stronger than I am and, at will, can bite my face off? I don’t think so buddy boy.
You’re probably thinking: “This Mike Villar character is scared of big dogs, what a pussy!” and you probably wouldn’t be wrong in thinking it. I hate big dogs. Yes. I openly admit that I am in fact scared of any animal that weighs at least half as much as I do, a territorial carnivore and has a set of teeth designed by God to shear the flesh off of anything that looks/smells like food. But while we’re in the whole admission/confession thing, I have another confession to make: I totally boned your mom last night; it was rough and I didn’t wear a condom. Also your dad cried while he watched so I performed fellatio on him just to shut him u–no, wait!
Seriously, the reason why my mom and brother wants to have such a terrifying creature as a pet is beyond me. I mean my mom probably wants to have a pet that would do a yeoman’s job at protecting the house from would-be thieves and entertaining guests but a owning a big dog is sort of like owning a gun; you take care of it, you walk with it and clean it every day then on one of those crazy New Year’s eve parties where you get totally drunk and crazy at home, you get into a really nasty accident with it and you’re left with your face screwed up beyond recognition.
Besides, as far as house guests would go, who the hell finds big dogs “entertaining” anyway? I mean little yorkshire terriers named Fifi, sure; but gigantic face-eating dogs named Fletcher The Destroyer of Worlds and Eater of Faces? Not so much.
I do, however, recognize that my fear of huge dogs probably stems from my childhood. When I was a kid of around nine or ten, all of my friends around the neighborhood had huge, scary dogs. One moment I was playing a terrible Street Fighter 2 port for the Nintendo Family Computer at a friend’s house and the next, I was sitting up straight paralyzed with fear as I stare down a German Shepherd with its testicles dangling; the dog licking and sniffing the shit out of me; praying that should it choose to take a bite off of my face, it should go for the left side of my face because the right side is sort of like my “good side” and it looked good on pictures.
(By the way, German Shepherds have the cleanest looking balls as far as dogs would go. Check them out the next time you come across a Shep.)
Anyway, since my mom and my brother are pretty much decided on owning a Rottweiler, I will now start taking a shitload of pictures of my face because I give my face two months before it’s pawed off by the beast my family decided to keep as a pet.
I mean think about it, by the time the Holiday festivities start, this puppy would probably have turned into a 200lb monster that will not take kindly to an overweight guy lumbering around the house eating Koko Krunch in the middle of the night and generally being either extremely hungover or piss drunk.
Pray for me guys. Thanks.
"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar!
October 20th, 2008 at 2:00 am
I find it disturbing that you have mentioned having your face bitten off quite a number of times in this entry.
Also, come on man, cockroaches scare you.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:00 am
Are you kidding? Rottweilers are awesome! Ben Affleck said so in the movie Bounce with Gwyneth Paltrow which I only watched because there was a chance I was going to get laid if I did. Or at least see some boobs. But I ended up enjoying the movie more than I thought I would and now I want to buy the DVD because of this post.
What was your question again?
October 20th, 2008 at 2:02 am
The only big dog I would want to have as a pet would be a Golden Retriever like Pau’s! Because I could take it to the beach and look rich!
October 20th, 2008 at 3:46 am
Rotts may hold the record for the strongest clenched jaw (strong biting power!!!), but they’re one of the sweetest and nicest doggies, incl smelliest. When they attack they cannot be stopped, it needs some sort of command or auth.
We used to have 4 rotts at home, now we’re left with just two.
October 20th, 2008 at 4:35 am
^So which of your family members had his/her face bitten off already?
October 20th, 2008 at 8:10 am
rottweilers are very kind to their masters! even german shephers. we had two before when i was a kid and they’d be very gentle.
October 20th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Sorry I gotta admit, I am so laughing my ass off right now! … seriously face? awwwts poor mikey!
errrms. I don’t like dogs, well that’s ever since my finger got bitten when I was 7 or 8 I think. But hey, you’ll never know, you and the dog might just be the best of friends! haha good luck with the new rotweiser!
cheers
October 20th, 2008 at 7:31 pm
@mikey nobody’s …. just killed a chicken i think
October 20th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
HOLY SHIT! WHAT A MONSTER!
October 20th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
@mikey no he’s not… the chicken went to his cage, maybe he thought it’s food…. haha but seriously.. there the nicest….
October 21st, 2008 at 4:58 am
In Teeth, the rott ate the dude’s penis.
October 21st, 2008 at 5:10 am
IKNOWRITE! MOTHER ATE NIPTUCK GUYS TITI!
October 21st, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Or you can get the pup and we can deep fry it. Nothing like crisp puppies for snacks and beer. I plan to do that on Liz’s annoying puppy.
October 21st, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Wait, what puppy? A fifi puppy or a fletcher, eater of faces type puppy?
October 21st, 2008 at 7:40 pm
i dunno. A stupid puppy. Probably askal.
October 31st, 2008 at 12:32 am
I’m not much of a pet person myself but based on my experience, dogs don’t usually bite you if you don’t interrupt whatever it is that they were doing. so, just stay away from the especially when they’re crossing your path or heartily eating.
such a cute pic of the puppy by the way.
November 4th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
rotties are perfect …. if you wanna look like a macho douchebag