Nostradamus said 2009 will be a year of MEGA FAIL.

I am going to say this with as much exultation and relief as it’s possible to contain in words–It’s over. The pother, the binge eating/drinking, the traffic and cramming for presents to buy; all of it is over.

Now aside from New Year’s eve, I pretty much have nothing else left to look forward to besides, probably, my yearly trip to the Far Eastern University Hospital’s emergency room sometime around my birthday March next year because I managed to imbibe a near-lethal cocktail of ground Xanax, Lexapro/Cymbalta, GSM blue and lighter fluid out of sheer depression.

However, like all young, management types like yours truly, I like to plan my year early to sort of hit the ground running come the start of next year.

That said, let me, Mike Villar: STILL Rising Internet Star, highlight the goals I’ve set for myself next year so that you, my readers, can, as reference, look back to this post next year and laugh at how I miserably failed at attaining each of them.

My first goal for 2009 would be:

Join the Gym. Again.

I’ve had my fair share of health scares this year; most of which had something to do with either my blood pressure or my panic disorder.

(However, because I know that there’s someone pretty high up at work itching to grant me a two-month “Medical leave” without pay or ask me for a certification that I am “fit to work”, I want it to go on record that the hospital has cleared me of any serious medical conditions and I am, in fact, healthy as a battleship.

So, if you’re afraid of me not being able to effectively discharge my duties because of any sort of medical condition, rest easy. Besides, they say that the worst thing that could happen is that I “snap”, pull a gun, take the old, eldritch lady who sells merienda hostage and demand some sort of “Rice Allowance” from management. You know, because rice is expensive nowadays.

Also, they said that there’s only a 40% chance of that happening. So I guess we’re all safe. For now.)

The problem is, recently, after paying for three months’ worth of gym membership and going maybe only once or twice in that period, I’m starting to get worried about my languishing physical state.

To give you an idea: I get fuck dizzy every time I stand up abruptly, I need two days to recuperate from a “successful” masturbation session (defines as when you successfully ejaculate semen past your head in a position where you masturbate sitting down), and climbing a flight of stairs can put me out of commission for at least seven hours.

Also, I know that, if I look hard enough, I’d be able to see my penis somewhere. But, as of the moment, I have to rely on the initial stream of urine shooting somewhere out of my underbelly like tracer rounds to avoid making a total mess in the bath room every time I pee.

I absolutely have ZERO expectations in rejoining the gym. I am a very realistic man and I know that there will never come a time when I will be able to run through a white beach on a marvelous summer day; the rays of the sun making the sweat on my perfectly-toned body glisten as my lady friend jumps into my capable, muscular arms.

In fact, a more probable fantasy is one of me stoned as fuck, running after a yellow elf through a Novaliches side street with a bottle of rhum in hand, pausing every twenty yards or so to take a swig and rest before finally giving up and collapsing out of sheer fatigue–but not before taking a bite off a jumbo bola-bola siopao I’ve had in my pocket all along.

So yes, I’ll probably, again spend money on something I will rarely, if never, use. Which is actually a good segue to my next resolution…

Save 700,000 bucks by the end of 2009

The start of 2008 pushed me to the pinnacle of my financial glory. At that time, I got a promotion at work which came with a considerably generous raise, I was doing most of my alcohol binging at my house or my friends’ house (mostly because the pills I have been taking for my generalized anxiety disorder might have caused an unforseen side effect–I developed severe paranoia, something which made me terrified of being caught in massive anthrax attack perpetrated by middle eastern terrorists.

Also, I had a “little” brush with the law involving a girl I dated two years ago. I mean come on, I never knew statutory rape was real. Nor did I know that the girl was 14 nor that the word “sophomore” printed on the back of the P.E. T-shirt she wore on our dates meant that she was on her second year. Of High school. So yeah, I had to lay low for a while because of that.)

But, nearly as soon as I got a stable financial foot hold, I decided to blow it all off on a condominium unit I could never possibly afford. Without getting too much into details, this decision is costing me at least 25,000 bucks a month.

The ridiculous mortgage would’ve be fine if I didn’t owe over a hundred thousand pesos to the credit card companies, something I decided to pay in full towards the latter part of the year.

The fact that gas prices went up to the high 50′s per liter mid this year didn’t help either.

Now, here’s where I stand. I’ve got zero monthly disposable income for the rest of 2009 and sadly, this has been the poorest I’ve been since right after I quit my first job. Now, I have resorted to posting pictures of myself with only an xbox controller strategically positioned to cover my genitals to a video game fetish forum for money.

So the 700,000 bucks goal? Don’t ask me. I don’t know either.

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And there you have it, I only have two items on my new year’s resolutions list and the way I see it is that this post will serve as some sort of black box for you guys to examine for when the Mike Villar Zeppelin crashes into a gigantic mountain of fail sometime mid-2009.

Happy new year.

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