Shoulder Hurt. Banana Boat: No friend to fat people
Posted on April 16, 2008
Filed Under Failures, Gluttony
Okay so I’m back in Manila after a company outing in Subic right? Well guess what I realized? I realized that my left shoulder, which always had this chronic pain going on after a sports accident in 2001 (Youth For Christ Sports Fest. Me. On the sidelines. Eating free Tuna Sandwiches provided by the organizers. Heckling. a 6′4″ guy crashing into me, pinning my left shoulder with his knee in the process. A lot of tears. A lot of swearing), is hurting more than usual.
Now, I am not new to this kind of pain because I’m probably the biggest klutz this side of Asia and because I have been overweight for as far back as I can remember–in fact, there was this time a couple of years ago when I injured my ankle trundling around the University of the Philippines’ academic oval in a feeble attempt to “jog.” Apparently, my fat body (I was around 15 pounds heavier than I am now then) wasn’t used to physical activity that intense and the sheer weight of my body coupled with the awkward lumbering I tried to pass off as “jogging” were enough to strain my calcium-deprived ankles to actually dislocate it.
The thing is, today, I want to think that my bones are stronger from all the dieting I’m doing and from all the calcium I ingest from my diet food (ice cream, cheese in pizza, the almonds in my M&M’s, fiber from the Pizza box, Semen, etc.). However, on the contrary, it seems as if my bones have gone brittler and weaker and the littlest of physical activities–like bending down to plug my cell phone’s charger to a socket under my table somehow injure me.
Anyway, back to my shoulder; I could see a few reasons why my shoulder has seemingly been dislocated and why it’s hurting like a motherfucker lately. The main reason, I think, was because when I was in Subic, I somehow managed to convince myself that, despite my being overweight, riding a banana boat was a good idea.
I mean come on, how dangerous could that be right? I was all like “So I put on a life vest, I mount the innocent-looking contraption with three people who are more physically fit than I am, the thing gets tipped over, I get back on, beat my chest and tell the other people riding with me how ‘I can’t believe how fucking strong’ I am, get back on the beach and high-five everyone who was watching.” No big deal right?
Wrong.
So this guy was operating the Jet ski which was pulling the banana boat right? Every thing’s going well: I was having a blast as the thing was being pulled at incredible speed by the jet ski, I was checking out this chick’s ass in front of me, resisting the urge to actually reach forward and touch it. Every thing’s boss at that moment–until the fucking thing tipped over.
Everybody had no trouble getting back on so I thought, hey this shouldn’t be hard. So, I tried to hoist myself back into the banana boat but it feels like my body weight added to the weight of the vest and all the water absorbed by my shorts made the task seem like a herculean one.
No big deal, I probably just need to rest a few minutes and try again. So I did and nothing fucking changed. I’m still in the water, panting like hell and couldn’t get myself back in the fucking thing.
This went on for a good 20 minutes. At this point everybody was trying to help me get back up–Somebody was pulling on my vest, someone was pulling my hand and another one was offering me moral support by saying stuff like “You can do it Mikey! Just a little more! [Whispering to the person in front of her] This is impossible, he’s way too fat that his life vest could barely keep him afloat. Why don’t we just leave him here? I’m sure he’ll wash up on the beach after a few hours.”
Finally, I decided to–not surprisingly–give up. I hoisted mysefl up on the Jet ski that pulled the banana boat, a feat that takes no more than a strength of a three-year-old. I was dejected. I was dispirited.
I cannot stress enough how big a blow the entire ordeal dealt to my already languishing self-esteem.
I admit, I am not what people would call “healthy.” I have difficulty tying my shoes without my mother helping me and I feel like I am at a point that I am clinically not fit enough for any form of sexual activity–including masturbation.
BUT, I do refuse to resign to the fact that I am that far off that walking more than 10 meters, getting fouled in a game of basketball, raising a spoonful of rice to my lips or talking to a woman, offering her 300 Pesos and a pack of Winston Lights to convince her to follow me to a back room where she could show me her left tit would be enough to injure my bones one way or another.
I’m SO depressed. What does a guy need to do around here for somebody to give him a KFC Famous Bowl?
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14 Responses to “Shoulder Hurt. Banana Boat: No friend to fat people”
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Mike "Fucking" Villar
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"The personal blog of Marketing Strategist, Rising Internet Star, Man Blog editor, child pornographer, alcoholic, and cokehead-- Douchebag Jones--Err, Mike Villar! -
*hugs Mike* ugh, sweaty ho. If it’s any consolation, you look more fit now than you did about 2 years ago. We’re just a twit or an SMS away if you need your buds for a couple of beers (but only if it already borders to your breaking down and if drinks, including my Coke, are free). Also, next time, please show up on your birthday party. No excuses.
hey, you’re overwieght but you’re tall. it COULD be worse.
Mike said “boss”! Who’s the hippie now?
How the hell is 5′10″ tall for a 185lb guy?!
What the hell? You’re not dangerously obese at all!
Dude, it could be worse. You could’ve capsized the banana boat the moment you sat in there.
Or I could’ve drowned! That would’ve been sooo embarrassing
shouldn’t fat-oops! i meant gravitationally challenged (just in case your self esteem hasn’t recovered yet) people float?
Excusssseeee me… I’m 5″11.5 and I’m 208 pounds heavy. Awwwwww….
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[...] reason: I think my shoulder–the same shoulder I hurt on a sports-related freak accident back in 2001– is shot to shit. I think I might have busted it yesterday when I forced myself [...]
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Hey, I happened to come across this page (for what reason, I really have no idea), and well, here I am leaving a comment. It may not have been cause you are (or maybe you just feel it) over weight. My sister, her boyfriend and I had to swim back to shore-which was about a kilometer, just cause we couldn’t get back on that… that.. THING! HAHAHAHA! Yes, I am talking about the banana boat! The guy on the jet ski was alone, so when we all fell off the boat, nobody could hoist us up. HAHAHAHA. I just thought I’d share it with you, cause your experience was waaaaaayyyyyyyyyy better than ours.
:D 