Step One : Develop a borderline obsessive crush on a girl you absolutely have no shot of ever interacting with let alone, on a romantic level. You know? One of those “I shift uneasily on my seat whenever I see her on TV and sometimes my body even goes  to the extent of manifesting this ‘crush’ by sweating and having an urge to run around giggling–what the fuck? I feel like I’m in grade school all over again and oh my god, she really does remind me of Jane Sebastian; the girl I had a crush on back in fourth grade who stopped speaking to me after I spit on her hair to ‘claim’ her one time during recess. So yeah, I think I’m just going to try and assuage this weird feeling by playing Call of Duty: World at War on the Xbox 360 because at least there, I’m a well-oiled killing machine and not some guy who has low self-esteem and an alcohol problem he refuses to acknowledge.” type of crushes.

For the purpose of this post, let’s call the girl I have this huge crush on Schmoni Gonschaga . Not her real name, of course.

Step Two : Watch a movie on cable with a character played by the actress that has a striking resemblance to your real life crush about a physical trainer who falls in love with her formerly obese, Fil-Am client turned restaurateur.

Step Three : While in bed, trying to make yourself fall asleep, you repeatedly run the scene in the aforementioned movie where the actress who looks almost exactly like your real life crush kisses the actor who plays the formerly obese restaurateur with a horribly annoying accent.

Five minutes later, you start violently punching the walls and throwing random stuff in your room around and proceed to take a rather uncomfortable dump during which you end up biting your tongue off because you went into spams out of sheer outrage and jealousy.

Step Four : make a pit stop in a convenience store on your way to work where you see a magazine cover with the actress who looks like your real-life crush in it and, almost automatically, you remember the kissing scene from the movie you watched the night before.

Then, proceed to thank the heavens for the fact that there were nubile college students present with you in the convenience store because otherwise, you would’ve wrestled with the security guard for his gun and proceeded to shoot yourself repeatedly in the face.

Step Five : Contemplate visiting your psychiatrist again–whom, almost certainly would charge you more this time around because along with your depression and your anxiety, you managed to let yourself slip into mania.

Step Six : FUCKING SAM MILBY! I SWEAR TO GOD I’ll FUCKING CUT YOUR PENIS OFF WITH A– Fuck it, I need a drink.

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