The Ring of Soullessness

I would like to take a break from the madness that is planning a wedding happening less than a year from now by introducing a newly-coined term: The Ring of soullessness. This intangible artifact is awarded to and worn by someone who has exhibited an absolute lack of altruism and sympathy to someone who is obviously and undeniably in dire need.

For those of you who still don’t get it, this isn’t a real ring; for me, the only thing this “ring” does is allow the friends of the appointed bearer of the ring of soullessness to say stuff like “Silence! You are not permitted to speak unless you’re wearing the ring of soullessness around your finger and you feel its power squeeze your cold, vacuous and evil heart” or “Dude, I would really listen to you. But the ring of soullessness must have fucked up my hearing. Man that thing’s like really evil. And you probably are too.” etc.

To give you an example, last week, I went and grabbed a few drinks with my office buds Rey and Carl at a nearby bar/grill. The night was pretty uneventful up until a middle aged woman came up to our table and asked us for some money. The woman, who was clearly distraught and distressed, told us that her young son was confined in a nearby hospital and was in serious need of a critical operation.

The woman worked as a house helper and her employer, no matter how much she begged and pleaded for help, only gave her a 1,000-peso cash advance.  Supplies for her son’s matter of life and death operation costs 1700 pesos which was made known to us by way of the medical documents/prescriptions she was sort of forcing us to look at.

Now, I know it’s so not like me to say this but the situation the lady was in was a very poignant and gripping one. I mean, I might be the biggest douche this side of Asia, but I do know when a fellow human being is in need and whether or not I am in the position to help. This is something my friend Rey knows too; Carl, on the other hand…well, let’s just move on before we say things we don’t mean shall we?

So yeah, the lady needed 700 pesos more right? Well, I am, at the very least, proud that we were able to pony up that amount between the three of us. The breakdown, however, was as follows:

Rey: 500 bucks

Me: 150 bucks

Carl: ….60 bucks.

To help you visualize, here’s a comparative chart of how big our spiri-penises currently are right now:

So guess who the appointed bearer of the Ring of Soullessness currently is.

That’s right.

Now, for at least a couple of weeks, every time Carl speaks, we can say “Dude we really can’t hear you, I think the Ring of Soullessness is casting an evil orb of evil inaudibility around you” or say “Dude, your face is turning blue, maybe the Ring of Soullessness is cutting off your blood circulation somewhere?”

What, and you’re so mature?

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