Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star

I’ve been working in the office building I’m currently working in for almost three years now, and over that period of time, I have pretty much lifted the entire fog of war in the immediate neighborhood as far as restrooms I can comfortably take a crap in is concerned. So far, I have:

• The restroom in the 6th floor pantry area
• The restroom at the Jade Palace (The Chinese restaurant beside our office building)
• The restroom in my floor’s manager’s area
• And the restroom in the garage close to my office building

The restroom over at the Jade Palace (specifically the cubicle that’s supposed to be exclusive to the handicapped) has served as my second office in my early days with the company. Now, the reason why I walked all the way to a Chinese restaurant to do my business back then was because my bowel is particularly known for exhibiting this weird timidity when I’m around new people. The result of me forcing myself to take a dump in one of my office’s restrooms would invariably involve me, a lot of sweat, a lot of grunting, around three hours and a really nasty hemorrhoid.

As months passed, I grew tired of that particular restroom smelling like a 200 year-old Chinese man’s burning beard and after I developed a certain degree of comfort with my colleagues from work, I was able to mark the restroom in my floor’s manager’s area as my territory.

Now that I think of it, this particular restroom is actually perfect for me–sure it usually takes two flushes for my poop to go down (four during this one time I used one of my socks to wipe my ass. I don’t know either, don’t ask.) but it’s generally clean, has a copious supply of tissue paper and it has a strategically placed window that takes care of the horrible stench my poo leaves behind (I was once told that my poo’s smell is a cross between a dead, rotting mountain goat and a construction worker’s armpit after twelve hours of  hard labor. I don’t know exactly how that smells like, but that probably means it’s really bad)

Actually, I love this restroom so much that sometimes, when I feel like I just want to be alone, I bring my lunchbox with me, lock myself up and spend my entire lunch break there just laughing by myself.

But really, I think this is something I should tell my psychiatrist  first before I tell you so let’s leave it at that for now.

However, recently, and I’ve never really encountered this before, my once glorious poop sessions have been regularly interrupted by someone jiggling the door knob to the restroom not knowing that it is occupied. I cannot stress enough how utterly distracting this is especially if you’re like me who needs to conjure up every ounce of concentration in his body to poop properly.

The worst part is that, most likely, the person who habitually does this is a girl given that I share the manager’s area not only with this guy, this guy, this guy, and this guy but also with this girl, this girl and this other girl.

So, what usually happens is that, on my way to the restroom, I inevitably have a conversation with one of them, duck into the bathroom for like half an hour or so before finally coming out all sweaty and shit for everyone to see on my way back to my area.

Well obviously, everyone in the area knows that I took a dump every time I do this.

This fact effectively ruins my pooping routine. Given the way my bowel behaves, I can only take a poop while I comfortably rest in the fact that nobody knows that I’m doing so. I can not take a dump knowing that someone less than 10 feet away from the room I’m taking a dump in knows that I am, in fact, taking a dump while he/she works on a document or has an Instant Messenger window messaging somebody from God knows where that his “fat office mate is once again defiling the toilet lol”

An option for me is to do a turbo dump and do my thing in less time than what’s normal (the national average, so I heard was around 5 minutes) but why the fuck do I need to cut down on my pooping privileges time-wise? I’ve never believed that “breaks” in the corporate world  should be limited to an hour and a half a day so, the extra hour I take to take a dump while privately laughing at FML entries is uncompromisable.

Life.  so hard.