Three-Four. Twenty Seven.

Two days from now, I shall be celebrating my birthday. I will be turning twenty-seven years old.

I view my 27th birthday as a pivotal point in my life primarily because it provides me with the crushing validation that I, Mike Villar, Rising Internet Star and Sex Man Child, am, without a doubt, in my late twenties.

The years following my 25th birthday have been spent mostly denying the fact that I have reached the quarter life (a term which, up to this day, I insist to be a huge misnomer. I mean, tell me. Who was the last person you knew personally who lived to be 100 years-old? Realistically, and with this generation’s generally reckless and frivolous lifestyle factored in, twenty five is actually more “mid-life” than it is “quarter life.” And that’s if you’re lucky.)

I’m not worried and anxious about going through a delayed quarter life crisis like most people do because, I think mine already manifested itself through an existential crisis that transitioned into a full-blown anxiety and panic disorder a couple of years back.

I am actually more worried about “peaking.” I believe that everyone’s momentum as far as potential would go, once they reach 27 years-old, drastically slows down if not come to a screeching halt–Lars Ulrich formed Metallica when he was 18 years-old, Steve Jobs founded Apple with Woz when he was 22 and Kevin Rose put up Digg when he was 27.

The point is, at 27 you should have pretty much become the person you will be for the rest of your life.

I’ve also written a post in the past about Seth Godin’s “The Dip” and how it translates to a man’s marryability:

Lately though, I find myself in a serious bind–or as my recent favorite author Seth Godin would call it: a Dip(or, who knows? Maybe even a cul-de-sac?). This “Dip” that I speak of is the fact that I feel that as if, right now, I have peaked. I am as marry-able as I’m ever going to get.

In fact, forget “peaking” as I think I’ve passed my peak years ago. Right now, my life is on a downward slide that will ultimately end in a mail-to-order bride, annulment, severe alcoholism and drug addiction, murder and fire.

I am proud and happy that I overcame this marryability dip as I proposed and got engaged to my girlfriend two short months before my 27th birthday. However, barring any drastic changes in the near future (like me realizing I’m gay two years from now, joining a gay nudist colony in the Visayas region which, as it will turn out, is a secret R&D lab for Intel. I will be really happy as I will be surrounded with two of my favorite things in life: experimental processor chips and cocks. But really, the chances of that happening is rather slim. If I were to give an estimate I’d say around 88%?), I don’t think I will, for the better or otherwise,  be changing a lot. I have pretty much become the person I will be for the rest of my life.

To give you an idea of the key changes that happened between my 26th birthday and now: I am now, not as interested in Masturbation, dick jokes, finding out the answer to the question “how many bottles of beer does it take for me to pass out and activate my powers of teleportation, whoring my blog to corporate entities by using it as a channel to air their stupid propaganda in exchange for a buffet dinner and a case of soda. I am now more interested in condominium interior design, savings accounts and financial management.

Everything said, I feel happy and content about my 27 years of existence. I have a wonderful fiancee, a supportive family, a job that pays the bills and doesn’t suck that much and a host of marketable skills that should be sufficient to provide me with a comfortable lifestyle for the years to come.

Tonight, as a pre-birthday celebration, I am going to put my ipod in a zip-lock bag, fill up the tub, light up some candles and stroke my bird to the thought of Anne Hathaway’s sex scene in Havoc (Okay, so I lied. I guess I am more interested in masturbation than what I’m leading you to believe). You may be asking yourself how this is different from any other weekend in my life and the answer to that is, apart from the tub (my mom is very big on conserving water) and the candles, it is not very different at all.

The only real difference is that this evening marks the start of a theme I intend to adapt for the rest of my life: KEEP IT SIMPLE AND REAL, YO. I don’t know how exactly this will play into my everyday life, but I’m guessing I have to say goodbye to my unhealthy obsession with expensive hotel rooms and fancy dinners and I probably need to stop getting 400-peso haircuts, shopping at clothing stores and paying exorbitant amounts of money for shirts that make me look like a fat, pretentious d-bag as opposed to looking “Web Chic” (which was what I was going for, really) and stop hanging out with people I secretly hate for the sole purpose of career advancement. (sorry Marc. It’s nothing personal. Like I said: KEEP IT SIMPLE AND REAL, YO)

Lastly, staying true to my KEEP IT SIMPLE AND REAL, YO theme; I want to say that I find no shame in begging. So, if you want to make my birthday less suckier than what it’s shaping out to be, you can donate money to my “birthday” fun using the ChipIn widget below.

I can’t promise you anything in return, but what I can promise is this: The money you donate will be put to good use (meaning it will be spent entirely on booze.)

I want to thank you guys in advance for your generosity and remember, if you are too cheap to donate money, I’ll settle for you throwing some good vibes along my way and a birthday greeting. Although, really, I prefer money.

(Let’s not be cheap here and try to outdo the whopping $5 I managed to raise the last time I asked for donations. Cheap motherfuckers)

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