The Corporate Buzzword Extravaganza

If there’s anything else besides, of course, getting paid that people love to get from their jobs it has to be the feeling of being important. I’ve been out of college and working for six years now and, since then, have clawed my way up this tiny, comfortable spot in the corporate ladder.

Anyway, through my years of working for various companies, I want to share a valuable lesson I learned: The corporate environment is about doing less work and, at the same time, appearing to be more busy and exuding an aura that you are more important than you actually are.

If what I said in the paragraph above is new to you, then, my friend, you probably suck at your job.

The only way to make people actually like you is to intimidate them by acting like you are superior to them. This can be achieved with lazy, yet artistic strokes of Corporate-ese in your everyday email correspondence. Want to sell the idea of buying ad slots in MySpace or FaceBook to your boss but can’t find the words to justify it? Then say something about a “Paradigm shift”. Want to squander your company’s marketing budget by sponsoring irrelevant charity events for a bogus charity put up by your wino half-brother? Then say that it’s called “Social Responsibility 2.0″ and that all the cool marketing cats are doing it.

Want to impress that cute, new employee in your department? Well, dream on because a member of the board of directors who drives a stretch hummer already hooked up with her last week and is probably stuffing her silly as you read this.

Anyway, here are a few words and phrases from the Corporate-speak dictionary that I hate. So much, in fact that I print each one of them in 36pt Helvetica, urinate on the paper I print them on and throw them at passing cars every night after I get drunk.

Moving Forward

No.  I am not “moving forward”. I’m actually just sitting stil in front of my desk laughing at d-bags like you who say “moving forward” when normal people actually say “In the future.”

Low-hanging fruit

Is he talking about my testicles? Dude, did you hear that? Was he talking about my testicles? I think he’s talking about my testicles!

Touch base

Woah dude, no. I don’t play for that team.

Liaise

You mean “talk to” right? Because, really, I am not in the mood to take anyone out to a seedy lounge where we’ll sit in a dimly-lit cubicle listening to a two bit jazz band while exchanging government secrets.

Bandwidth

Dude, here’s a tip: Bandwidth : Computers/Internet and “Freetime” : People.

Synergy

I’m drinking buddies with the guys on the other department. I think we can “work together” fine without making our relationship sound like it’s a deadly laser fired from a mothership.

How about you? Are there any specific corprate buzzwords you hate?

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