A blog post–From the future!

April 13, 2009

US Embassy Consul: So, [reading the name on my US Visa Application] Mike [pauses, for effect] “Fucking” Villar. I see here that you are supposed to depart for California on the 21st; that’s–[checks calendar]–barely over a week from now. Are you aware that most people who need a US Visa usually apply for it months before their scheduled departure?

Me: Um, yeah, about that; you see, our house burned down a month ago and until now, I was too busy selling fake iPods in provincial malls to help my mom pay for the rent on the little apartment we got.

Consul: [Raises an eyebrow, jots something down] And the reason for your visit to the United States is [looks down on my application] “To make a K1ck455 website for cars that has forums and shit”?

Me: Yeah, that’s pretty much accurate.

Consul: [makes more notes. I know right, wtf] I see that on the question:

Do you seek to enter the United States to engage in export control violations, subversive or terrorist activities, or any other unlawful purpose? Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as currently designated by the U.S. Secretary of State? Have you ever participated in persecutions directed by the Nazi government of Germany; or have you ever participated in genocide?

You initially checked off “Yes”, used correction fluid to erase it, and checked off “no” using a green crayola. Care to explain this?

Me: Well, first, I don’t think being a member of True Brown Stylez counts as being a member of a terrorist organization. Besides, I have no interest whatsoever on terrorism. Racism, on the other hand–

Consul: Excuse me?

Me: I meant no. My answer is No.

Consul: Moving on to the question:

Have you ever been afflicted with a communicable disease of public health significance or a dangerous physical or mental disorder, or ever been a drug abuser or addict?

You didn’t even check off “yes” or “no” but proceeded to write the word “Mono” above the question, and again, proceeded to cover it with correction fluid which I don’t quite get since it’s still very visible and legible. Now, since you technicaly didn’t answer this question on your application, may I ask you what your answer is now?

Me: Well Mono is hardly of any “public health significance”. Besides, I’m perfectly well now.

Consul: Mr. Villar, the point is–

Me: Dude, listen: Am I going to get a fucking Visa or not? Because realy, I didn’t pay 6 grand to be asked inane questions and be made uncomfortable and feel cornered.

Consul: Well, I’ll be perfectly honest with you: It’s highly unlikely especially since, my initial assesment of you even before I got to talk to you is that a.) You’re in no physical shape to travel and b.) You’re a sexual predator. [prepares to stamp my application with "DENIED"]

Me: No, sir! Wait! Before you do that [leans over and whispers something]

20 minutes later

Me: [Busts out the embassy doors screaming] US VISA, BITCHES!!!!! [Runs through a line of startled/bewildered people like a mad man; proceeds to a nearby Chowking for some congee]

Consul: [Chucks a tissue paper into the waste basket. Zips his fly]

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