ANOTHER blog post from the future

October 23, 2009
Sonoma County Jail

Dear Ryan,
First of all, I want to greet you happy birthday. It’s been three months since the state of California deemed me to be an “Illegal Immigrant.” Now, I am no expert when it comes to anything that has to do with the law, let alone international law but I have something to share with you: If, in the future, you intend to start a career as an Illegal immigrant like your kuya, it’s probably not a good idea to hold a 93 year-old, wheelchair-bound woman hostage with a fork; initiate a huge police stand-off; try to escape by stealing a car–something that would result in a wild car chase that spans 7 counties; threaten to stab the old lady with the fork when you get cornered after spike strips blew off your stolen car’s front tires and end up with the police shooting you with rubber bullets and tasering the shit out of your ass.

REALLY not a good idea. (You know what else isn’t a good idea? Asking for a Helicopter from the police negotiator. Because a.) I don’t know how to fly the damn thing and b.) They sure as hell won’t give it to you. Trust me. I tried.)

Instead, you might want to ease into your career as an illegal immigrant by waiting tables at a local denny’s or pretending to be gay and applying to be a perfume sales rep for a Nordstrom’s or something.

You see, little bro, the key to success as far as being an illegal immigrant would go is to keep everything on the down low. This is especially important when you’ve been hanging out with a notorious gang of Puerto Ricans after you’ve decided to overstay your welcome to the US and the fact that you look like a Chinese-Mexican who knows how to make chemical weapons and computer viruses. See where the entire “taking an old lady hostage thing for a pack of cigarettes” took me?

To Recap: Taking the elderly hostage: NO. Getting a Job as a dental assistant in a Japanese dentist’s office: YES.

P.S.
My cellmate, Berto, says he can hook me up with fake Lebron James shoes in Mexico. Let me know if you’re interested.

Best Regards,
Mikey

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