Fresh Pickings

The first week of June usually marks the start of a period of extreme mental and emotional strain to me. Allow me to explain:

In the Philippines, the first week of July is when classes start for a lot of schools nationwide. And, for someone like me who drives a good 56 Kilometers a day to and from work, the transition from the summer break where traffic is pleasantly light to the start of the school year where traffic reaches “I am so frustrated right now, I wanna wrap my penis around the steering wheel and karate chop it until it gets numb” levels is traumatizing to say the least.

If you’re familiar with Quezon City, you’d know that this is especially bad in the Katipunan area where several universities and colleges are located.

Anyway, earlier I found myself in a monster traffic jam on a part of Katipunan avenue where major roadwork was underway.

Now, here’s something you probably don’t know about me: I pick my nose like a 200 year-old Chinese man would. This is something I do without much regard for anything–in a drinking party with friends? I’ll send Mr. Pinky right into the mines and won’t call him back until he has enough green gold to call a haul. Bored while watching a movie with the girlfriend? In goes Mr. Pinky again. I do this shit everywhere.

And I don’t know if it’s just me, but when I changed up the brand of cigarettes I smoke from Winston lights to Marlboro golds, the amount of “treasure” I could pick from inside my nose has effectively doubled.

Anyway, as I was sitting through the rush hour traffic earlier while listening to music from my iPod with my windows rolled down; I felt the urge to just dig right in. I must have had my entire right arm halfway up my nostril before I decided to reel it in. Treasure finally in hand, I wiped the index finger where the fresh booger was on my car’s steering wheel. There, it would naturally harden into a decorative stud like the thousand others before it. It was great.

It took a few attempts — the piece was stickier than usual and has about the same consistency as the adhesive people use to set vinyl tiles on floors– but I was eventually successful after I rolled the thing between my index finger and my thumb a couple of times to soften its hold a little. Again, it was great.

It was only then that I became fully cognizant of the situation–I was stuck in traffic. Katipunan’s westbound side, the side I was on, had two lanes. I had my windows rolled down. There is a car right beside mine. It has its windows rolled down too. And motherfucker, is that an attractive girl on the driver’s seat? Hello!

The girl had this look on her face that told me that she had witnessed everything. From me bobbing my head to music, the moment which will henceforth be known throughout the annals of history as “The great excavation” (Which, now that I think about it, is reminiscent of that scene where Arnold Schwarzenegger was having this really huge ball extracted from his brain through his nose in Total Recall) To the initial failed attempts to add the piece to my collection and my eventual triumph.

If I read her muted expression correctly, it said “After seeing all of that, I do not know whether I should feel disgusted or pity him”

Unsure of what to do, I tinkered with my iPod a bit before finally rolling up my car’s window, and, as soon as I got the chance, pulling my car in front of her’s.

It’s been a few hours since that happened but I find myself laughing hard at the entire thing when I remember it. Somebody, a chick no less, witnessed me pick my nose with the tenacity previously only observed in mentally deranged people.

What’s worse is that I’m laughing by myself while writing about it at work. Can somebody please promote me already?

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