On Eastern European Models and my Three-headed Penis

About a week ago, I had this really peculiar erotic dream about this girl I used to have a crush on in Grade School. It was so strange and vivid that when I woke up, I had to fight off the urge to rummage through my old shit to find my grade school year book, track her number down, call her and say “I hope it was good for you. Cause it was fucking awesome for me!”

I’m not going to get into details because really, who would want to read me explicitly describing a dream where I’m fully naked (no, wait. I wasn’t fully naked. In this dream, I was sort of insecure and had a shirt on. Really reflective of how this entire sex thing is for me in real life now that I think about it.) swimming in an ocean of sour cream and mustard while flogging a three-headed penis? Exactly.

A little background: Ever since I was prescribed anxiolytics to treat my anxiety disorder; and I’m not sure if this is a side effect or something; I’ve been having these really strange and vivid dreams that are either a) Totally non sequitur and/or b) extremely erotic. These dreams happened most frequently at a point where my anxiety was at its worst. My shrink told me that stress could be a major underlying cause of these dreams but anyway, I’m better now as far as the entire anxiety deal would go and the frequency of these dreams have been reduced drastically. At its worst, my brother would wake me up in the middle of the night because he says that I’ve been thrashing wildly in my bed while yelling “Freedom to the marshmallow people!” Not sexy at all.

What I miss the most are the erotic dreams. Those were so strikingly vivid that I would wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to light a cigarette because I’m so convinced that I just had sex with a hot eastern european model.  (It’s interesting to note that these are not wet dreams. In fact, I have never had a wet dream in my life since I discovered the fine art of masturbation as early as I was six. So, you know, I’ve been overworking my testicles so I could shoot sperm at t-shirts, walls, my face (I was able to do this once. It was great), etc. since I was in first grade. What I’m trying to say here is that I’ve never, for the life of me, had enough semen in my body to actually get a wet dream since I always “empty the chamber.”

The most awesome part of these erotic dreams has got to be the fact that, most of the time, they are not about the girlfriend or ex-girlfriends or crushes or even celebrities (which, until now, I thought were requisites for such dreams)–they’re about totally hot women I don’t even know. You can’t have it any better than that! Unless you have REAL sex with REAL eastern european models. Unfortunately for me, I’m engaged and because I want to maintain a healthy monogamous relationship (as long as I can, at least), this isn’t feasible for me.

If I were single, the girl I had a crush on in grade school whom I dreamt of recently would, undoubtedly, be the unwilling recipient of at least a dozen drunken phone calls. But since I’m not, It’s me and and my loyal friends again tonight: My iPod touch, Youporn.com and Myra-E facial moisturizer.

(I just read this post and damn– My Employability/Marketability -10 points. But whutevs. I’m awesome)

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