Crackberry: The irresistable force paradox
I get this nagging feeling that my employer is trying to force me into a painful transition from slack daddy extraordinaire (and party boy emeritus) to a real employee, not just someone who manifests himself as an unreasonably high salary in monthly accounting ledgers; eats up the company’s bandwidth by downloading entire Gossip Girl episodes at work, and doodles three-headed, big-busted succubi when he’s supposed to be taking notes at meetings.
This intent is corroborated best by the corporate slavery device I now constantly have in my pocket. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Mike Villar: Rising Internet Star, have been issued a BlackBerry.
You’re probably thinking: “Big deal, the company just gave you a shiny new toy and here you are whining like an ungrateful bitch! A fat, ungrateful bitch at that! ” And to that, my friend–who is unschooled in the ways of the corporate world and probably poor–I’ll say: you do NOT understand the ramifications of being issued a BlackBerry. Among other things, if you have one, your boss can Email, IM, call or SMS you 24/7 and expect you to reply. This wasn’t the case for me prior to being issued one as I always had the “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to call you back. My phone went dead” excuse and the “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to email you back, my DSL got cut today. You see, I was thrown in jail last night for drunk driving–whether or not I’m guilty is for the court to decide–and I used the money I’m supposed to pay my monthly DSL subscription with to post bail.” excuse.
However, when the decision that, because of the nature of the work I do for the company, I needed to be issued a BlackBerry was made, I didn’t go farther than subdued protest because I didn’t want to sound too much like a slacker.
Resistance, however, was futile since every member of my department’s senior management was being given one. To make things worse, the person who handed me my BlackBerry curve for the first time sort of looked like he expected me to start shrieking in delight like a seven year-old on Christmas who just got “Footloose” on VHS as a present (Yes, that is an accurate description of me back in the Christmas of 1989. Well, fuck you). Really? You expect me to be happy about the idea of me literally carrying my work around with me 24/7? You know what would really make me happy? Getting a blowjob from someone who doesn’t cost 700 Pesos. Or not a man. You dick.
The only “positive” thing I could see coming out of this entire BlackBerry thing is that I can see myself at a random bar swinging back my fifth bottle of beer while thumbing away on my BB–obviously trying to look more important than what I really am infront of underage girls. Then, I can see myself whipping out my other cellphone and pretending to call someone while still trying to look like I am sending an email on my BlackBerry. Then I could see myself whipping out my laptop in the bar because god knows there is nothing sexier than a man talking to someone on a phone, typing an email on his BlackBerry while composing another email on his laptop. And finally, I can see Brock Lesnar coming over from the next table and punching me in the face because I’m being a motherfucking douchebag.
But fuck. Seriously, this entire BlackBerry thing is going to take a lot of getting used to. I am really not good with this entire productivity thing and for those of you who had enough money to go to college, you’re probably familiar with the Irresistable force paradox which asks “What happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object?”
Now, the BlackBerry is the irresistable force of productivity while I’m the immovable object of indolence. Now, what do you think happens when the BlackBerry and I inevitably clash?
That’s right: Death.
And I don’t mean I’m going to die from stress, I mean I’m going to commit some nasty murders. So watch your back.
(If my boss is reading this: By “Death” I actually meant “Death to laziness!” I mean really, let’s all be productive here for fuck’s sake)
hey Mike, can I be the president of your Fan Club.. or vice president, if that’s already taken
are you related to manny villar? he looks like you in some angles.
OMG TURD
(Death to laziness indeed!)
mikey could always just text back “I’m not at work right now. I’ll get back to you about that WHEN I’M WORKING.”
This comment was originally posted on The Gadget Blog
mikey could always just text back “I’m not at work right now. I’ll get back to you about that WHEN I’M WORKING.”
This comment was originally posted on Ultra Light Delight
Haha true! To be clear, Mr. IT Director was joking.
This comment was originally posted on The Gadget Blog
Haha true! To be clear, Mr. IT Director was joking.
This comment was originally posted on Ultra Light Delight
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