King Cobra-la la la la la!

I don’t know if this is normal, but I’ve reached a point in my life where watching cable TV ranks about as low as “carpentry” and “foreplay” as far as the list of things I enjoy would go.

The detestation I feel towards watching cable TV, I think, has something to do with the fact that there’s just far too much noise–too many ads and being a professional marketer who spends a great deal of his billable hours creating and optimizing such ads, I want to stay away as far as possible from them when I’m trying to relax.

When I do watch cable TV, I only watch National Geographic, and only when I’m too lazy to whip out my laptop to watch full seasons of some of the shows I follow in it.

Anyway, I was watching a National Geographic special on king cobras earlier and was, surprisingly, hooked and fascinated by the entire thing.

The thing that totally blew me out of the water was the King Cobra’s mating ritual. Intercourse, for this particular specie of snake almost looks like a graceful, beautiful and almost lyrical dance. It was seriously so beautiful, that during the 15-minute clip showing the ritual, I needed to stop to masturbate and cry thrice.

[I am actually stopping to masturbate and cry right now. I need a minute]

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So yeah, after doing it, the two King Cobras sort of just laid there intertwined, cuddling. If snakes are anything like humans–more specifically, if snakes are anything like me, I surmise that the guy snake was probably asking the girl snake to evaluate his performance while smoking an invisible snake cigarette and was about to whip out his snake wallet to pay the girl snake with snake dollars for the sex. Of course, he doesn’t have enough and the girl snake will then call her snake pimp to beat the crap out of the guy snake. The guy snake will then proceedto beg the snake pimp not to kick his ass. Eventually the two reach a compromise involving a laptop and a company-issued blackberry.

But before anything like that could happen, another male ambles into view wanting to have sex with the female cobra himself. Like hell the original male king cobra would allow that to happen, so a fight ensues. In the end, the original male loses (supposedly because he’s obese) and slithers away in utter shame and disgust.

The winning male then slithers towards the female to claim his prize and attempts to have sex with her. But something goes wrong–he smells the sperm of the original male on the female and his intention quickly shifted from having sex to committing murder (Honestly, I’d be pissed too)

The winning male then proceeded to clamp down on the females neck and rolls her around to strangle and finish her off. This went on for around 20 minutes–in between of which, I was busy switching to and from yelling “YEAH! That’s what’s up bitch!” and jacking off.

The female eventually dies of suffocation. It was an awesomely intense scene.

My feelings of sexual satisfaction and channeled machismo were short lived though. Because after killing the female king cobra, the male proceeded to eat her. whole.

At that point I was all like “What. the. fuck?”

Now, I don’t know why the hell I’m so bothered with that entire scene. Maybe because it’s just plain repulsively ugly. Or Maybe it’s because the entire episode felt like a metaphorical portent of what my married life is going to be like.

OR, more likely, maybe it reminded me of my past; specifically that “incident” in San Juan, Puerto Rico back in the summer of 1992 which involved me, a dead prostitute and Ving Rhames.

Whatever. I don’t know.

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