Seriously girls, this has to stop

I have spent a great deal of time observing young college girls. Before I was married (and before the court legally prohibited me to. As it turns out, “accidentally” looking at a girl through her bed room window is a criminal offense. Especially if it involves a tree and a pair of binoculars) doing so gave me, to some extent, carnal satisfaction; nowadays though, my observations lead to genuine, unadulterated fascination. However, said fascination is fleeting and usually becomes pure, searing annoyance in a span of 5 short minutes.

For a long time, I’ve failed to put a finger on what exactly it is about younger girls that annoys the living shit out of me but I think I finally figured it out. And girls, I know you probably think you’re being cute, but the shit below? It needs to stop.

Inordinate use of the phrases “Oh My God!” and “I’m going to die!”

If you’ve ever spent a fair amount of time in a Starbucks on a weeknight you will–invariably so–encounter a group of young girls who are dressed up like they’re going a party or something but never end up leaving. Instead, in the god-awfully long time spend in the coffee shop, they skank up the place(which I don’t have a problem with) talk loudly about who their favorite American Idol contestants are, what the best dates are for them and their “girlfrans” to hit “bora” and how they’re “going to die” if they don’t watch the Anberlin concert. Let me illustrate:

Girl 1: Oh my God! did you see American idol last night?
Girl 2: Oh my God, yes! Did you?
Girl 1: Oh my God yeah! I loved Pia’s performance, it’s like she’s a star!
Girl 2: I know right! But hey did you see Lauren’s hair?
Girl 1: Oh my God! It’s gorgeous! I love her curls! She’s like not my favorite favorite and she doesn’t, like have that powerful of a voice but oh my God! I’m going to die if they cut her!
Girl 2: Oh my God! I know, I’m like going to die too!
Girl 1: [Stops sucking on her lollipop and takes a sip of her drink] Oh my God, wait lang girl, CR lang ako

…

Me: [cutting my wrists with a butter knife]

10 minutes after

[Girl 3 walks in]

Girl 1 and Girl 2: Stacey!!
Girl 3: Oh my God! I miss you!
Girl 1: Oh my God, you look so good!
Girl 2: Oo nga, Oh my God you’re blooming, what are you using on your face?
Girl 3: la langz!
Girl 1: Anyway, Oh my God, we’re going to bora on saturday!
Girl 2: Oo nga, I’m going to die! I haven’t gone shopping yet!
Girl 3: Oh my God, let’s go shopping, now na!
Girls 1, 2 and 3: Forever 21!!! (with the “one” part sort of lingering on like “ooooonnneeeeeeee”)

Me: [Walks out, knocks over a table on my way out. Kicks a stray cat. Also, the cat dies.]

Okay, here’s what’s wrong here: Saying “Oh my God” once in a while as an expletive is okay and even cute to some extent. But when you use it on every sentence that comes out of your mouths, it stops being cute and becomes annoying. Not to mention it confuses us guys who silently observe you from afar.

I mean you have no idea how quickly our minds can go from “I would totally Elmer her Fudd and Pepe her LePew” one moment to “I wonder how many seconds will it take her to bleed out after I lunge at her and drive this spoon through her neck” the next. It confuses our minds and our penises!

Another thing is this little thing called intonation. I know you’re all trying to sound sophisticated by speaking English when it is clearly not your first language. It’s cute and all but you’re forgetting this little thing called intonation. Your sentences don’t have to sound interrogative all the fucking time. Sentences that convey a simple assertion should begin with a medium pitch and end with a lower one. (i.e. “She doesn’t have a powerful voice”). So don’t end with a rising intonation because a.) You’re NOT asking a question and b.) It makes you sound like a bimbo.

Lastly, you’re NOT going to die so don’t say you are. And no, missing the Taylor Swift concert will not cause you to “die” nor would not having enough time to buy new swimwear for your next trip to “Bora”

I understand that this might be a difficult thing to understand to some of you so I created a simple chart to help you out:

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