A monster 84-step guide to having awesome breakups!

 

The Gentleman\'s guide to breakups 

Over at The Man Blog, we have written enough material on picking up women, dating and relationships to make tomes that can fill entire library wings.

What we haven’t had the chance to write about, and something we’ve been feeling remiss about, are breakups.

I mean all of us, at one point or another, will go through breakups. It’s simply one of those inevitable things in life–like getting born and going through…a breakup.

When the wheels of a relationship come off, there’s usually not a lot either party can do but attempt to move on with as less pain as possible and hope for the best.

Or they could turn those frowns upside down into evil, weird-looking smirks and use this guide to get the most fun out of breakups and make it a really awesome experience instead! So, if you’re ready, take the amulet key hanging from your neck and insert it in the slot in front of you.

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The Banana Gangbang Rock Festival Aftermath - A night of Fail

The evening of The Banana Gangbang Rock festival found me, my incredibly high blood pressure, and nine other people crammed inside an SUV negotiating rush hour traffic along EDSA.

Last week was, arguably, the most stressful week I’ve ever had in my life and Saturday, capping it off, was nothing short of a disaster: I was tired, hungover like a bitch and was probably on the verge of suffering a mild stroke.

As I painstakingly traversed EDSA to get to Greenhills, it became apparent to me that If I am to get through the next couple of weeks with stress from work, home and a bunch of other sources buttfucking me from all sides, I would probably need to start doing Shabu or some other amphetamine derivative to give me energy boosts because, seriously, this shit is just impossible.

(But wait, now that I think about it, I don’t really want to get started with drugs again for a variety of reasons. Primarily because a drug habit is expensive and I am terrible with money–A couple of days ago, I came this close to buying an 80 thousand peso laptop before I realized that hey, wait a second, I have no fucking money. And if I carded the damn thing, HSBC Collection Commandos are going to make sure that I won’t see my family alive again.

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How to avoid a bad case of Death

A common misconception about The Man Blog is that people think that a TMB editor’s writing repertoire is limited to writing articles replete with penis jokes and general curmudgeonry. Well, truth is, that cannot be any farther from the truth because at TMB, we’re all about social significance and churning out high-quality content that aims to inform and check this out, to keep our readers safe.

After all, yours truly had a recent brush with death and our readers who are not incapacitated or dead statistically have more money to put into our illegal “Donate to starving orphans in Africa” and “We promise your money will get there and we won’t spend it on alcohol” funds.

Two paragraphs of fluff later and with no further ado, I shall impart to you, dear reader, some useful tips to avoid dying.


If you follow these simple tips, you’d be exactly like this guy. Healthy, alive and most probably a douchebag.

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The Beginner’s guide to winning online debates

In the span of over 4 years of kvetching and making fun of all things stupid on various blogs I write for, I’ve received many a complicated and horrendously misspelled email or blog comment informing me in very vivid detail of how much I suck.

I’ve always tried to see these comments or emails as constructive criticism; but sometimes, comments like “Mike Villar likes to lick donkey balls because he has the intelligence quotient of a barbecue skewer. Also, he is a gay and a dumb” are too much for even myself to resist:

Yes. Sometimes, I cannot help but retaliate with an effortless strike of witty, obscene, curse-filled polemic whenever comments like these find their way in my inbox. Of course this isn’t exactly a good idea because as we all know, arguments done over the internet last an average of 62 years and sometimes even carries over to your unsuspecting progeny’s internet life. (Most of the flames directed towards me were actually just spillovers from my dad’s tiff with some members of a Dragon Ball Z message board back in 1967)

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Negative Thinking For Idiots

The second my girlfriend handed me a copy of a Blue Mountain book about Positive Thinking, I knew I had it–The crushing validation that I, Mike Villar, Rising Internet Star, am the world’s biggest pessimist.

I know that my girlfriend has nothing but good intentions in wanting me to think more positively and frankly, I am all for changing for the better.

But while that’s true, I see no real pragmatic reason to become a frivolous, young optimist. I mean come on, how fun can that be? All those optimists do is to anticipate that everything is going to end up fine peachy in situations where normal people (and negative thinkers like myself) would have no choice but to embrace the staggering truth that life is transient, happiness is an illusion and we are born for only one purpose: To die.

Anyway, before I cross over to a world where musical little bunnies follow me where ever I go and colorful flowers sprout where ever I tread; I want to make sure that I pass the torch to a new batch of people who’re going to keep it real. A batch of people who will believe only one immutable truth: and that is the world is nothing but a savage joke played by a negligent, chortling God and no matter how good this life gets, it’s nothing but a grim preview of the burning, eternal hell that awaits us in the afterlife.

In order for me to succeed in this endeavor, I have created a guide that differentiates the reactions to everyday scenarios of a positive thinker from that of a negative thinker. Remember, it is important that you learn how to think negatively as soon as possible. After all, every day you spend in this forlorn Earth is like another step you take towards your inevitable doom.

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