ANOTHER blog post from the future

October 23, 2009
Sonoma County Jail

Dear Ryan,
First of all, I want to greet you happy birthday. It’s been three months since the state of California deemed me to be an “Illegal Immigrant.” Now, I am no expert when it comes to anything that has to do with the law, let alone international law but I have something to share with you: If, in the future, you intend to start a career as an Illegal immigrant like your kuya, it’s probably not a good idea to hold a 93 year-old, wheelchair-bound woman hostage with a fork; initiate a huge police stand-off; try to escape by stealing a car–something that would result in a wild car chase that spans 7 counties; threaten to stab the old lady with the fork when you get cornered after spike strips blew off your stolen car’s front tires and end up with the police shooting you with rubber bullets and tasering the shit out of your ass.

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Celebrities and Me: Eddie Garcia

Recently, I had lunch with the Fiancee at The Chocolate Kiss over at the University of the Phillippines’ Bahay ng Alumni. Coincidentally, there was a wedding reception being held at the main hall so, the area outside the restaurant was teeming with annoying wedding attendees who are straightening out their ties and making retarded jokes about stocks, equities and shit (You know, because they’re having a grand time pretending to be stock brokers. Because they’re wearing suits. I know right?)

While I was sitting outside one of the restaurant’s alfresco tables, having a grand time myself watching the hoi polloi, wondering why anyone would want to hold a wedding reception in a poorly-ventilated, non-airconditioned venue such as the Bahay ng Alumni in the middle of summer, and waiting for my Chix in a Basket and Caesar’s Salad, I caught a glimpse of a mature gentleman taking a table behind ours, a mature gentleman wearing aviator sunglasses.

Being both insecure and judgmental, I turned to my fiancee and said “What kind of doucher wears aviator sunglasses with a floral button down?” When the waiter took his order, I vaguely recognized his voice–a voice that would sound right ordering Manok but would say it in a way that would let the last syllable linger–and turnd to get a better look at him.

The doucher was Eddie Garcia. Oops.

Anyway, as is customary whenever famous people see each other in restaurants, I said hi. And was ignored.

But that’s probably because I told him how I loved his part as Lot Lot de Leon’s father in Magasawa’y di biro. Now that I think about it, that part was played by Eddie Guttierez.

A blog post–From the future!

April 13, 2009

US Embassy Consul: So, [reading the name on my US Visa Application] Mike [pauses, for effect] “Fucking” Villar. I see here that you are supposed to depart for California on the 21st; that’s–[checks calendar]–barely over a week from now. Are you aware that most people who need a US Visa usually apply for it months before their scheduled departure?

Me: Um, yeah, about that; you see, our house burned down a month ago and until now, I was too busy selling fake iPods in provincial malls to help my mom pay for the rent on the little apartment we got.

Consul: [Raises an eyebrow, jots something down] And the reason for your visit to the United States is [looks down on my application] “To make a K1ck455 website for cars that has forums and shit”?

Me: Yeah, that’s pretty much accurate.

Consul: [makes more notes. I know right, wtf] I see that on the question:

Do you seek to enter the United States to engage in export control violations, subversive or terrorist activities, or any other unlawful purpose? Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as currently designated by the U.S. Secretary of State? Have you ever participated in persecutions directed by the Nazi government of Germany; or have you ever participated in genocide?

You initially checked off “Yes”, used correction fluid to erase it, and checked off “no” using a green crayola. Care to explain this?

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The People You Meet In Drinking Parties (part 1 of 2)

Yesterday, I swung by a birthday party thrown for one of my high school buddies. Now, since most of the people I hung out with in high school were in attendance, and because of the diversity as far as the types of people who attend these things would go is astonishing, I had a field day observing them so I could profile them on my blog for the purposes of entertainment and making said people feel chagrined if and when they finally stumble upon my post.

Although I wasn’t really in a drinking mood last night, the good news was that I was able to sit the entire thing out while making keen observations on the people who attended like a male, overweight Jane Goodall observing really drunken chimps of all shapes and sizes.

Here are some of my favorite types:

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The Corporate Buzzword Extravaganza

If there’s anything else besides, of course, getting paid that people love to get from their jobs it has to be the feeling of being important. I’ve been out of college and working for six years now and, since then, have clawed my way up this tiny, comfortable spot in the corporate ladder.

Anyway, through my years of working for various companies, I want to share a valuable lesson I learned: The corporate environment is about doing less work and, at the same time, appearing to be more busy and exuding an aura that you are more important than you actually are.

If what I said in the paragraph above is new to you, then, my friend, you probably suck at your job.

The only way to make people actually like you is to intimidate them by acting like you are superior to them. This can be achieved with lazy, yet artistic strokes of Corporate-ese in your everyday email correspondence. Want to sell the idea of buying ad slots in MySpace or FaceBook to your boss but can’t find the words to justify it? Then say something about a “Paradigm shift”. Want to squander your company’s marketing budget by sponsoring irrelevant charity events for a bogus charity put up by your wino half-brother? Then say that it’s called “Social Responsibility 2.0″ and that all the cool marketing cats are doing it.

Want to impress that cute, new employee in your department? Well, dream on because a member of the board of directors who drives a stretch hummer already hooked up with her last week and is probably stuffing her silly as you read this.

Anyway, here are a few words and phrases from the Corporate-speak dictionary that I hate. So much, in fact that I print each one of them in 36pt Helvetica, urinate on the paper I print them on and throw them at passing cars every night after I get drunk.

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